quid pro quo

Best March 2010 Retreat Stills

2010-04-14T03:16:00.000-07:00

Jesus' cross waits.
Pick up our own, and walk His ways with Him towards life.

Resurrection, Crucifix and the Sky scape.

Grained. Enhanced and Re-adjusted for effect.

Stillness.

The Void

2010-04-14T03:11:00.000-07:00

You see the darkness and you feel it eat you away. Everyday, little by little, until your dream to see the light appears like vague blisters in time. You fight it. You fight it hard because you have seen it coming. You have seen a future that you actually believe to have started happening. You actually believe you are destined to burn, crash, then die. Certain things may delay it, but you know---with no one to look behind you, with no one to wish you well, with vultures waiting you demonstrate fragility, with scavengers waiting for your fall --- you are bound to be eaten away by the void you wish so much to get away from.

You have known nothing but darkness. You have heard nothing but your voice, making an appeal for sanity. You watch events transpire before you, hoping that each one unfolds to give you better reason to hope for a different future. You use judgement and tucked your emotions in your pocket. You think that the darkness was too dreadful to share. That the baggage was made for you to be that heavy. You endured and you succeeded. But you know, the thread is becoming as vulnerable and shorter as you are becoming. A time will come that it'll break. Only you have to decide whether you cut yourself loose or you wait for it to break as it breaks you...

You have verbalized your desire to be washed up, to be clean, to be better than what you think you see in yourself. You hope for a better future. You have seen light sparkle like a tiny bubble bursting into nothingness. That split second gave you a lighter perspective. For a split second you believed you can get out of the darkness that envelops you. Until reality sets in again.

The curse of survival is endurance. You thought that maybe you were against destiny when you lived. Other people were made for greatness, you battle with your mind that maybe you were made to merely survive.

You have a tendency to exhaust the very few support that you have. You know that they are at some point entitled to get tired of you, the very same principle you have seen happen when the very people who should have been there for you initiated the steps they took very lightly when they left. You have felt too much since then. You were forced to grow up faster than you should. That void was strewn with strange pebbles of a much darker emotion that you have known nothing about before. You bore anger and they wondered why you had it in your heart. You started resenting yourself for being abandoned and regret every single decision you allowed them to make. You wished that you should have been more selfish and acted more like the little child that you were. You should have acted out instead of allowing them to be free. You let them get away for their mistakes never thinking that it'll take its toll on you at some point in the future.

Because right now you are lost, and conflicted. No one is claiming you for their own. You cannot call your house your home because it had been said that you shouldn't have been there. It has been said that you have burdened them for too long. Maybe they could have lived more lightly without the heavier burden that was you...

You tried proving yourself worthy and you gave them everything they asked of you. You forgot how it was to dream of who you will become when you grow up and exchanged it for who you know they wish you to become just so they would be happy. You traded your dream for acceptance until slowly, you start thinking that others are much more worthy of the good things in life, that you could always settle for less. Until slowly you grew ashamed and inferior.

Scavengers and vultures envy you for being pampered in the void. They might have though that you enjoyed the silence, that its comfortable. They might have thought that the abundance was a privilege that should have been theirs if you had not lived. If only they knew that on the other side of the void, the silence meant neglect, that the abundance were produce that you have to pay with your life. They did not know that you have lost too much of yourself just to show gratitude yet all that you are to them is a dense, thick-faced, selfish ingrate who knew nothing but prosperity, who took more than you deserve. What was sad was that you have those scavengers and vultures for blood relatives. So you think, maybe, you really were not meant for any better. Just like them. Just like what they say.

The battle to get out of the void is yours alone. You mastered to keep things to yourself. You have grown to be on your own for your own. You had little triumphs they didn't know and care so much about. You battle against indifference and you endured alone. No words of advise but your insights. No words of comfort, nor gestures that demonstrated empathy, sympathy or support. You are on your own. You had to be on your own.

Ideals are something you cannot share. Realizations are to be kept. Dreams are to be succumbed for their vision. You know that the longer you stay in the void, you are losing more of yourself to offer to the world.

You are no different to a hero vying for freedom, to a martyr wishing to be saved, to a fairy-tale princess longing for that happily-ever-after. Only, you have no army, no savior, no fairy godmother. The battle is yours alone to fight and win. The triumph will be the venue for another battle for you to survive after. The same scavengers and vultures will wait up patiently to see you fail in your newly found freedom and will laugh at your face for being the failure that you will be, for your mistakes even before you make them. They will not be satisfied until you are forced to get back to the void for abundance and comfort. When that time comes, they will be spitting on your remaining dignity and will be tearing you harder than they already had before to break you to a finer broken shards of debris that you are.

So if that decision to loose yourself free shall be made, it has to be with all your strength and with all faithfulness to the Lord that you can do it. The parting of ways shall elevate the bar from your lowered belief for survival towards a search for a meaningful life. Leaving the void should mean freedom rather than another mistake at decision making. You will have to abandon all your ways when its time to leave, for that's the goal of the rebellion. You know that you don't want to be alone, but who knows who might be out there waiting for you to gather your strength to come shooting out of the darkness to learn to live again and reconnect to the vast universe of humanity that you attempted to suppress.

While you're fighting the battle, maybe all you really need is an immensely brilliant star shinning steadily in the firmament to look up to, to envision to become and follow, to embody hope and all the right reasons to emerge victorious. Hope, my friend, never lose it.

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Linggo, Marso 07, 2010 nang 8:59 PM

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Deus Ex Machina

2010-04-14T03:07:00.000-07:00

(Essay for YGreenies)

We all started out as a fan of some sort.

No matter how repulsed we might feel about that word when it was used by someone who didn’t have the knowledge that we have in our circle, it is undeniably true. Don’t get insulted. Don’t squirm. Be proud.

“Deus Ex Machina” is a literary device I got myself acquainted to during my second year in high school. “Florante at Laura” served as a fuel then that drove me to try and delve into writing. The classic tinge of “God’s hand” or “God’s machine” as situations presented themselves unprecedentedly to save Laura from a rape or even Florante from death, appeared appealing to me at that time. I considered it a classic vice for a story twist.

Few more years passed and after I left high school, I somewhat lay-low on my writing. My not-so-well-kept literary folio gathered dusts on my shelf as days passed. I went to college and found myself flunking Anatomy, Nutrition and Microbiology. I found myself to be an average, thriving to survive as an average and performing as an average. It wasn’t a very good feeling.

During class discussions, I found an escape through writing pieces in my head. They basically wrote themselves. The only subjects I excelled at were Panitikan and Filipino Literature in English. Both subjects I earned flat ones on my class cards, the only ones that I had been proud of ever since.

My left and right brain were in constant battle. The science of Nursing made me fear the idealist in me. To me, reality was no longer an oasis. Within my years in college, I ended up writing an essay that was blunt and honest. I won first price. Big deal. But having had written it, I slapped myself with the reality that had brought me to Nursing school. The theme went: “The World through the Eyes of my Patient.” I entitled my essay: “Osmeña’s Eyes.” (Figure it out.)

I had my whole future laid out for me. I was like a fish going by the flow. It was like a life of no sense. I lived for the future, for what others wanted me to be. I died a little every day. I stopped writing new literary entries for my folio. I kept blogs for rants and rubbish. Just so I had a place to vent out what I had no voice for.

My feat to find the CCYG was a vivid image to me. I remember it in bits and pieces. But our journey together; as a circle, as friends, as YGreenies; is the most colorful and detailed image I have in my head. I know that I wasn’t there all the time, but my thoughts were always with you.

But let’s not forget that we were joined together by one person whom we want to know and learn through her examples. We admire the path she is taking and we are humbled by the time and attention she’s giving us. Let us not forget that we are on our way to rise above. And our greatest achievement by far is our initiative to try and step out of her shadow. I believe that by living the life we see in her, we are making her proud just as we are growing to be proud of ourselves.

We all know that we all started out as a fan of some sort, her fan particularly.

No matter how repulsed we might feel about that word when it was used by someone who didn’t have the knowledge that we have in our circle, it is undeniably true.

Don’t get insulted.

Don’t squirm.

Be proud. I know I am.

And by the way, YOU: the circle, the friends, the YGreenies; ARE MY DEUS EX MACHINA. If it means anything to you, let’s please continue to rise above. Always to be better than what we were yesterday, with the same driving force that we always had.

Through you, I see more colors. I started writing essays with themes again (if you noticed). I am more driven and more faithful. I am in constant desire to understand, to learn, to heal; with hopes that in the future, I’ll get to help others heal too.

YGreenies, please know that it was all because we journeyed this path together.

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Miyerkules, Enero 20, 2010 nang 12:21 AM

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In a State of Flux I

2010-04-14T03:03:00.001-07:00

I am not into ranting today. I am actually into contemplation, and a little bit of day dreaming. And a little into thoughts of the future. Too many information overwhelms me, and this entry attempts to try and organize in those little colorful shelves in my brain all the thoughts and emotions pertaining to each.

First one is the fact that: Inferiority hits hard. --- All of us feel a little low once in a while. Confidence fluctuates and feelings of being inadequate flows like a water to a dipper that very slowly drains at the bottom. I unknowingly feed in all those emotions and it never seem too obvious to catch my attention, until now.

I still haven't finished cleaning my room since I started throwing things to the floor last December 23. I lost my Canon Powershot D10 within the similar time line, and the possibility of getting another one seems gloomy. And it can only get far too gloomy for me when it comes to the thought that I'd get a DSLR in exchange. Money doesn't grow on trees, you know.

Then on further self-examination I noticed how I obsessed on DSLR specs and anything related to photography. I took out the old DVD volumes of Star Trek:Voyager from its safe shelf and started rummaging through its 7 seasons of glorified adventures in the uncharted space of the Delta Quadrant of the Milky Way (or whatever that is). I lose sleep and insomnia seems to have taken over my evenings. I find myself lost in each episode until it's already 2AM but still, there's nothing even as provocative as a yawn. I became an evening person because I didn't want to make contact or conversations. I am asleep in the mornings when I should have been an all-around errand girl for my movement-limited Mom and slightly obnoxious Dad. No wonder, the thought of throwing me out of the house again through some brawl with my Dad will be such an entertainment for him.

If only they knew how my neural pathways seem to drown in thoughts of uncertainty and insufficiency, maybe they'll back off a little. Or maybe not. Well, obviously they will not. Or simply put, they couldn't read me just as I have been failing to read me until now.

All my actions mentioned above are actions of a classic escapist. All boils down to a state of avoidance.

I avoided reality because I wanted something else. I watched Star Trek because Sci-Fi has always been notorious in presenting stories of "what could have been's" and "what might be's". I sleep in the morning because I am ashamed of a day passing with lost opportunities of me doing the things I might have wanted to have done. It could have been a day at a literary class thinking and brainstorming for fiction plots. It could have been a day for me taking shots after shots of swaying trees, of languid colors of emotion and events of distinction. It could have been a day in a hospital as I help patients get well as my career gain points through experience. It could have been a day passing as I climb each rock that strengthens my limbs as I reach the sky and breathe the mountaintop air.

I am such a free spirit and living caged like this is killing me with each deep slumber.

I could have been out there seeing the world as it is, what it could have been and what it might be.

Well, this isn't just my time yet. I lack the luxury of resources to finance and execute my adventures. Maybe it just should be placed in a year-plan-notebook or a life-plan-notebook of some sort. Or whatever.

To be continued...

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Linggo, Enero 10, 2010 nang 11:11 PM

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Life as it is and Life as we (or as I) know it.

2010-04-14T02:58:00.000-07:00

This is more like an entry to ponder on certain things, unlike my previous rants. There are a lot in my head at the moment that it all seem to consume me. And it felt like, I allowed it to be so only to let time pass regardless of its quality.

Right now, I am not overly happy. Everything is just alright and I am okay. But I am not happy in being okay. I want something extraordinary. I want something inspiring. I want a lot of things I can’t seem to grasp right now.

It’s like everything in life is about waiting: waiting for the right moment to come, waiting for somebody’s consent on how you’ll live your life, waiting for a certain event that will turn your world upside down to set things right.

Life is overrated.

Love is overrated.

Friendship is just as overrated.

Fine.

Maybe I don’t really mean it. Maybe it’s just me expecting so much from myself and not accomplishing it all right now is crushing me.

The gaining age part is just as heartbreaking. I am growing old and I am still not going anywhere. Yes, quarter life crisis or whatever… I am frustrated with my lack of back bone. I am tolerating the status quo and I’m fine with it (something that made me want to be ashamed of myself).

Life is not supposed to be hard. It’s just that I always make it so. I set up high standards for achievement. I always expect more from myself. I make greatness a goal. I try to inspire as many as I can towards the same goal… but there are times when my own standard and goal for greatness catches up to me. Then, it will eat me up whole as I find more people who can effortlessly achieve and stand out.

I always have to prove something. There are people who don’t have to.

I always have to work hard to deserve the things that I have. Still, there are people who get things with no sweat.

Life can be unfair. There are people who are supposed to be behind you but then overtake and mercilessly leave you behind. Can be because they have the power, they have the connection or that they simply can do such things. Life is not so much like a beach. It’s more like a predatory safari. It’s as if Charles Darwin got it all right the very first time.

Realization: I am just as hard to myself as I am to everyone else. There’s more to life. And, patience is a virtue. Then, add up perseverance, have a little more faith, think of the Muse (who doesn’t seem to know who I am). And oh, remember: Ut In Omnibus Glorificatur Dei --- That in all things (I’ll do), God may be glorified; Greatness is the goal; make Morality the standard.

Rise above.

Just, rise above.

Even if what it has to be is taking one painful step at a time, then so be it.

So be it.

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Lunes, Nobyembre 16, 2009 nang 5:02 PM

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Happy Birthday, Ms Chin Chin Gutierrez

2009-11-21T03:47:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday po, idol.
Basta, galingan mo lagi.
Marami kaming masaya pag napapanood ka.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blEr2WTsIWQ

Always.
:D

2009-11-06T04:38:00.000-08:00

Scuttlebutt

Chin Chin gives a statement about incident in soap

By SHIRLEY MATIAS-PIZARRO

November 6, 2009, 3:33pm

It makes me sad to hear about what happened on the set of “Dahil May Isang Ikaw” involving Ms. Lorna Tolentino and Chin Chin Gutierrez. It makes me even sadder to hear about the repercussions of the said incident.

We heard that both actresses got hurt while acting on a confrontation scene, but from the looks of it, it was Ms. LT who got hurt more, emerging from the scene bruised and blue, losing a few strands of hair that got caught in Chin Chin’s ring. Chin Chin, for her part, had a bruised leg to show for the unfortunate “accident.”

Because of this, we have been told that LT, allegedly traumatized from the violent confrontation, is now having second thoughts about wanting to do a scene with Chin Chin again.

What Lorna feels bad about is that some people outside of the issue tend to be so quick to judge, saying that it was just a gimmick that they have concocted to drum up publicity for the top-rating soap opera on ABS-CBN. She was quoted as saying (to this effect), “I’ve been in this business for a long time now. I don’t need this kind of publicity stunt to be controversial. I don’t want this issue to escalate that’s why I refuse to talk about it.”

We spoke with our friend Anjie Ureta, Chin’s manager about this, and she told us that Chin Chin is very very sad about what happened and expresses her heartfelt apology to Ms. LT for the accident.

What pricked our heart is that she was even asking us for suggestions, any idea on how they can make things better for Lorna, an actress that Chin Chin has so much respect for, and how they can show her how bad they truly feel for being hurt in that scene.

She told me, “no one planned for that to happen. But to be sorry for something unintentional is not enough and somehow we know and we understand how Ms. LT must be feeling right now.”

Ms. LT is one of our most favorite superstars in this business because she is a very nice person. We always love being around her during the times we worked together on some publicity projects. On the other hand, Anjie and Chin have been our friends for decades now (especially Anjie) and we know them to be people with good hearts, very spiritual and very peace-loving.

We asked for a copy of Chin Chin’s statement and we’re printing it below in full. We can only pray that this matter will be put to rest and that love with prevail above all else.

November 5, 2009

It is in the spirit of peace, clarity and healing that we are now addressing the unfortunate accident involving our artist, Ms Chin-Chin Gutierrez, and Ms. Lorna Tolentino, which transpired while taping an episode of their television program last week. We reaffirm that the accident was purely unintentional and occurred in the presence of the location heads in-charge of production. She has sincerely apologized to Ms. Tolentino from the moment that she realized the resulting injury after the take and personally assisted her in seeking professionally advised first aid intervention. Recognizing that apologies may not be enough to console her respected colleague, Ms. Gutierrez had indeed sought Ms. Tolentino’s permission to pray together, trusting that the Divine Healer will not only soothe away the physical hurt but also whatever unseen wound in their relationship that may arise from the tense situation.

Ms. Gutierrez wishes to express: “With all humility, I wish to give the best thing I can give now -- to witness to the truth of fraternal love. Keeping peace and being peace are more important than raising my voice to clear my name. The well-being of Ms. Lorna Tolentino is foremost in my mind at the moment, equalled only by my concern for the program. I firmly believe it is Truth in Love that casts out all fear and makes all things new. I remain faithful to the inner goodness in every person shining through, which allows for the restoration of relationships through the graces of faith, forgiveness and prayer for one another.”

We thank everyone who has maintained understanding and sobriety in the face of this unfortunate accident. We share in the deeper aspiration of many voices, heard and unheard, that the matter finds its peaceful and just resolution.

Sincerely yours, Anjie Ureta Artist Manager representing Chin-Chin Gutierrez

SOURCE: http://www.mb.com.ph/articles/228205/chin-chin-gives-a-statement-about-incident-soap

My Chin Chin Gutierrez Defense (My Call for People to be Rational)

2009-11-04T20:03:00.000-08:00

I have points that I want to stress out after I read a lot about this issue that stressed me out at some point as well. Baka kasi isipin ng mga tao, because hindi nag rereact pa si Ms. Chin Chin at kokonti lang kami na nagdedefend sa kanya e, pwede na ‘tong nangyayari. This is all exaggerated publicity trying to kill off or destroy Ms. Chin Chin Guttierez’s career. Who’d say that this is hallow assumption? Then, why the hell do you think this destructive publicity came out? Na lahat ng written article about this issue placed Ms. Chin Chin as the bad person who has gone mad?

I just have to say this, I used to respect LT. Now I don’t. I have lost all respect there is for her (as an actress or whatever she wants to place herself as). And that’s partly because of a few of her nagging fans who threw at Chin Chin insults that are below the belt as one Loranian had put it in defending her own idol.

In all Ms. Chin Chin’s life in showbiz, did something like this ever happen before? Nagreklamo ba yung mga nakaeksena nya at nasaktan sa run ng MSKM? Nagsalita ba si Chin Chin ever about herself being hurt? Did anyone ever hear her say a bad thing about anyone? Reality check, people. Objective ako na tao. Yes, I like Chin Chin (and I used to like LT), but it’s not going to be difficult for me to stop defending her if she had been all wrong at this. I’d be more than willing to keep my silence kung gano’n.

The truth is that she’s not at all like the person that the wrongful adjectives in the forum pertained her to be.

POINT #1: CALLING SOMEONE WEIRD BECAUSE YOU LACK UNDERSTANDING DOES NOT ELEVATE YOU FROM WHAT YOU TRULY ARE, THAT IS, IGNORANT.Calling Chin Chin “Krung-krung” or crazy is never anyone’s right. Kilalanin nyo muna yung tao bago nyo husgahan. Alamin nyo kung ano yung standpoint nya sa buhay at kung ano ang tingin nya sa iyo at baka mahiya ka sa sarili mo. The woman is beyond anyone. Her take on things are far more sensible than Lolit, Ricky Lo and any other tabloid writer with credibility cases on their laps.

I’m calling out as a human being, don’t judge when you don’t understand because the judge places himself/herself in the seat of ignorance for being arrogant to think that they are better off being a judge than a learner.

It’s Jesus Christ’s Golden Rule all over again.

POINT #2: The current issue is that Chin Chin OVERREACTED and INTENTIONALLY hurt LT, other people would say.
Baka masabi nyo na out of context ako. Alam ko po yung issue. Sabi sa mga article, nadala daw si Chin Chin sa eksena at tumodo yung pananakit nya. Kesyo di daw natanggal yung sing sing at nagkapasa si LT sa mamahalin nyang mukha (at may kalmot pa). Hindi po ako bulag sa issue. Nabasa ko yung mga pinopost dito na (mga) article ng mga members na gustong gawing malaking issue to at pag-awayin ang mga fans. At hindi ko idedeny na “gimik” lang ang take ko dito nung una and that there’s no truth in this. I still believe its gimik. But then, I am starting to believe na there’s some truth in this when I read somewhere na nag-sorry si Ms. Chin Chin.

After knowing somewhere na nag sorry daw siya and reading somewhere else that she has been mocked at her humility is just OUTRIGHT WRONG. Isipin nyo naman yung ginagawa ng mga writers na yun dun sa tao. If you had known her, being humble is one quality that she has that you will definitely admire. Never siya makikipagpataasan ng ihi with anyone. She’d say good things about other people. Only if you’d read more of her interviews on sensible magazines than reading those tabloid crap that has to use almost naked women on the cover for some petty 5 or 6 pesos.

Have you heard na lumaban siya? Did she even try to defend herself? Did she throw defensive comments to those biased writers? I have the answer. No. Nor she denied that she apologized. And showing humility is a point gained by her.

Next thing we heard is that she cried on what was written. I don’t know if there’s some truth to that. But again, if you had known her, (on my take) I believe that she’d come to that breaking point at some time. But did she call a press conference and cried at their faces to get people’s sympathy? Did she outright get herself interviewed to disprove LT’s accusation and complained about her “P.I”-ing her? Again, I have the answer. No. So far, she has been the one who faced this issue with dignity and grace, two qualities that are never a bad thing to possess.

I know someone who had been there during the shoot and I have unquestionable faith on her tale. She saw it happen; nung nag fail yung director to shout “Cut!”, nung nag fail ang production team to check on the actors before the fight scene and remind them to remove anything that would accidentally hurt their actors, nung nag fail sila to make the right call to stop the scene for safety’s sake.

To think, LT could always step back if she thought that the catfight scene was too much for her. Ano ba naman yung few films passed for her safety? Bad take? So what, safe naman yung mukha nya. If Chin Chin really did overreacted, I am sure na by LT stepping back for safety’s refuge, she’d come to her senses if it was too much.

And its crap to say na victim si LT dito. Chin Chin’s and her manager’s silence does not mean all the information that was out was taken correctly. Check out the sentence construction. Know the writers. Question the credibility of the papers and sites or blogs you read articles from. Be at least critical.

One thing that was written that offended me more was that na-weirduhan daw si LT nang nag pray si Chin Chin with her after she apologized. People who would agree that it’s really a weird thing to do does not have a spiritual foundation rooted correctly. People who would think that praying for you is weird but then being cursed is common is in a dark and twisted place. Mas gugustuhin ko naman na i-pray over ako ni Chin and bury this issue kesa sabihin ko na “OK lang ako” and “I forgive you” tapos maglalabas ako ng mga inconsistent comments sa press. After all, in the end, hindi naman pala OK lang lahat. It’s just wrong. Now, you should see bakit nila ginagawa ‘to kay Chin Chin.

The issue about “trauma” is just… I wouldn’t even honor it with a longer paragraph.

POINT #3: A WOMAN DOES NOT OBSCURE HER BEAUTY BY CALLING ATTENTION TO HER IMPERFECTIONS.

She talks to plants and trees.

So what?

I talk to my cats and dogs. I talk to a baby who coos and poops with no indication if I am even understood. I talk to God, not waiting for a reply or an indication that He is even listening. I talk to people like you, hoping to knock some sense out of your head. Our ancestors talked to Anito’s of wood and stone. We talk to images of Mama Mary and Jesus Christ. We talk to ourselves, even loudly at times.

How different is she to us?

Lolit and Co. should start talking to plants and trees also. It might save them a few bucks for psychiatric therapy and their attention-seeking behaviors. You are not the ones to destroy her trend of good reputation for being Time Magazine’s Asian Hero with this crap.

People are saying OA ang atake nya. Then stop writing something OA for her. Keep her out of contrabida roles if they think iisa lang ang atake niya sa role like what she did as Doña Corazon. Reinvent writing for her, magaling na artista yung tao. Sana nga she stayed in May Bukas Pa na lang kesa she was pulled out of it for DMII (which I am starting to dislike, dahil for me… it is becoming predictable and the flashback scenes are becoming too much of a formula. Wala pa akong napanood sa soap na ‘to na di ko pa nakita sa iba---I am entitled for my opinion on this one.).

If I don’t like Chin Chin that much, I wouldn’t even be watching that show. And if Rosalinda hadn’t been too distasteful, I would definitely be watching it. Mas gusto ko pa nga ang PBB as of now e. And yes, I must admit, if it wasn’t for Tessa and Patricia’s conflict, I really wouldn’t bother. Jaime is just too weak…

Back to my point, Chin Chin’s inner and outer beauty is never obscured by the faults other people find about her. You must know for one that other people could find thousand of wrong things about you and judge you for one mistake mercilessly but in the end, it is the contents of your heart that will be judged. Not by mere mortals who can get easily be lured out by wrong and malicious information, but by the God of truth and justice.

You’d hurt for her too if you know who Chin Chin Gutierrez really is.

I will end my entry as Ria has put it, “For the Battle is the Lord’s…” 1Sam 17:47. I’ll wait up for Ms. Chin Chin and her manager’s words on this. I now refuse to take in anymore of this crap.

Chin Chin won me over on this case, her grace and humility is admirable. Her silence over this is regal.

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To your knowledge, my name is Mariel, and address me only if you have something sensible to say.

Bored to Death

2008-12-22T15:31:00.000-08:00

So, I'm all alone in our house sitting in front of the laptop since the early hour of the day (not to mention that this is the same scenario yesterday), talking to online buddies, posting entries for forums and created an account for myspace (In which feeling ko ay hindi ko nanaman ma-me-maintain. Just like my friendster account.).

I am waiting for the carpenter who would deliver a new sofa-bed. Ewan ko naman kung san nanaman nila (namely, Mommy and Daddy) ilalagay yun. Considering na may dalawang set na kami ng sofa sa napakaliit na living room namin. I did not attend the yoga class I enrolled myself in. I was afraid na if I would attend, I will miss the coming of the delivery van and I will be caught (that I enrolled myself in something I did not consulted them with).

Haaaay, its frustrating that in my age, they still WANT to make decisions for me! It felt like my growth as an independent human being is being retarded by their desire to control every aspect of my life. I have grown extremely comfortable in that situation. That is why, every step further from our house is freaking me out (I don't even know the end of the bus route that pass by our place.) Social situations numbs me. Meeting new people and being in a new situation makes me feel uncomfortable. I think I'm developing Asperger's Syndrome!

Every decision making revolves around what Mom wants. Like what time should I be home, just how much I should spend for the things that I want, what events I can attend, what activities I can engage myself into... It's pathetic. And miserable.

Dad makes adjustments for her. I have to make adjustments for both of them. One of these days it'll get really exhausting.

My Mom had a stroke... really, really mild heat stroke. So mild she wouldn't have noticed the symptoms if she had not heard the doctor tell her so. After that, the regression started. She always wanted people around her (as if people should know what she wants and needs without her telling them). She had become very demanding. She complains about things she can't control, and even we can't control. She bothers herself with nonsense and in effect nags us with it. She blames us not taking care of her (as if we don't take care of her---she doesn't even bathe alone anymore!) is the reason why she got sick. And she can get on and on complaining... Sometimes she's like a kid giggling over stupid jokes. She enjoys the attention that Dad is giving her (that is treating her like a child---always in need of assistance, baby talking.) It's our responsibility, of course. But this caregiver role could be exhausting.

I am holding my life on pause. I never spent sleep overs with close friends. I don't even seem to have lots of close friends! I did not go out on gigs with them. I never stayed out late until midnight (I can't even be not home before 4PM) because I know she wouldn't be able to sleep or rest until I'm home. I am confined in what she wants and what this family can take from me. This family always comes in priority. I have always tried to be good, because I shouldn't be here. I was adopted. I wasn't supposed to be their responsibility. I owe them big time.

If I would go on tackling the topic on how much I hate my biological father in this entry, it could go on forever. So, I'd save this for another entry.

Point is, with me having graduated college, I have to start learning things that's out there. I am ashamed of how I live my life. Always following orders... I don't know how I would make them understand that I have to try and stand up on my own. Because if I wouldn't be able to do this now, then later would be too late. Later, I'd have greater responsibilities on my shoulders and every weight that it'll gain will paralyze me in horror and confusion. For once, I needed to be my person for me. They got to let me go sometime soon. They raised me well, they should be confident enough to let me go. But the thing is, it can't come from me. It has to come from them, or at least an incident should happen to make them realize that I had to be free. I had to be let go.

You can't imagine for how much guilt I would have to live with my whole life if I would be the one to insist moving out. Besides, I know that if I would even try that I would be the ungrateful adopted daughter who refused to pay back my debts by taking care of the woman who picked me up from a trashed life. I got to at least try to find a way to balance all these. *sighs*

One thing about being adopted is that with your past, you would think that you don't deserve the things that you're getting. That somehow, you ALWAYS have to make yourself worthy. Worthy of freedon, worthy of a good life, worthy of other people's love, attention and time... It'll be a struggle to prove (or wanting to prove) that you're deserving of all the good things that you're getting. That every time, some time soon, you have to pay them back. (And, yes. I noticed the sudden shift of POV from 1st to 2nd. It's something psych.)

I started the entry whining about being bored. Now, I'd end it with the weather. The sky is color gray. Looks like a rain is brewing. And yes, it started raining just as I was mentioning how gray it is. There's no doubt on how colder the Christmas this year is getting. Must be global warming... And have you heard? Ice crystals are forming in Baguio. I wonder how long it will take until actual snow would start to fall...

LapTop Lodges, muwahahhaaaaaaaa... and God's Goodness

2008-11-24T22:26:00.000-08:00

Who would hav thought that I would get an Acer Aspire4710 LapTop in exchange of my 1G Phillips USB/MP3 Player? My Dad so, sooooo rocks. Generosity definitely paid off! He also got himself a Lenovo mini-laptop. Good for him. Good for me, too. I feel elated.

Anyway, I just finished a review session with my friends, Pot and Rina. Sobrang lapit na ng board exam. Hindi na rin ako makapag-aral kasi gustong gusto ko na mag-exam para matapos na. Sabi ko nga, bahala na si Lord kasi siya naman ang mag-dedecide kung worthy ba talaga ako pumasa. Basta magpe-prepare na lang ako... E di kung saan na lang ang makayanan ko, gano'n na lang.

I promised Him that I will prepare the best way that I can, then I'll lift the fight up to His hands. Life is not supposed to be so hard. Even Jesus told us to lay our burdens to Him. It wouldn't hurt to seek help. I know that He'd still love me no matter what.

Pero feeling ko talaga papasa ako (ayan, conviction ba ang gusto n'yo? Sounds like yabang, haha). Kidding aside, I am not going to sulk over something I couldn't accomplish. Maybe I am just destined to accomplish something much greater (or something like that). As I have said, I will lift it up to His hands. Bahala na Siya. I am not in the position to doubt Him even for just one second. So, with conviction I will say: PAPASA AKO. 1 TAKE LANG.

I have a Dream

2008-11-04T14:10:00.000-08:00

Kanina lang, a dream dawn into me. The "Destiny" that I have been praying for unfolded in my face, and now I can't concentrate. I can't finish reading the CHN book... I feel elated.

I called Yanii up, all of a sudden. I just have to tell someone about it. I wish to fulfill that dream with my friends---Rica, Iza, Yanii and all the others that will be open enough to admit the possibility of my dream.

As vague as it may seem---I have to leave it at that. Someday---one day it will happen. And I will be so damn proud of myself. I just have to say that. I have to acknowledge the presence of that dream.

Yes, I have a dream.

No Time to Play

2008-10-29T16:15:00.000-07:00

Guess what time it is? It's 11:30AM. Yay...

I am supposed to be reviewing my books. Board exam is nearing. Almost less than 30 days... And I am so, soooooooo not sure if I'm ready. The papers are submitted, I already applied for the board exam there's no turing back. Failing this once will always be at the back of my head. I can't fail this, and I am holding on to faith that I will NOT fail this. I am SO NOT going to fail this.

I am freakin' frustrated, and anxious.

I am currently online 'coz I just watched HOUSE MD [downloaded it] and I loved the HUDDY KISS. I almost died... The next episode "The Itch" is another big HUDDY episode... I wish House would grow up and finally admit that he is in love with Cuddy. Loving her is the only way for him to be happy. He is one of the most pathetic and miserable person I have seen on TV. ;P

HOUSE NEEDS SOME CUDDY LOVIN'.

And, I am waiting for a Private Practice and CSINY upload. Grey's Anatomy tomorrow is a really good episode... Dr. McHottie will be back for good. I can swear he'll rock Seattle Grace real hard.

Now, back to reading Diabetes Mellitus.

The November 2008 Nursing Board Exam Scare

2008-07-25T02:48:00.000-07:00

Nagising ako kaninang umaga na may message sa cell phone. Nung mabasa ko para ko'ng natulala for a while... Gawd, NLE exam went out already.

Isang sampal ng 98% passing rate ang nagpabalikwas sa akin ng bangon.

Pucha... Kamusta naman ang pressure para sa amin na "IRREGULAR" kung tawagin nila [ng mga school officials]? We, who are always the dark side of the coin, always lurking behind the "REGULARS'" shadow... I am happy for them but at the same time, I felt something I'm not supposed to.

Tapos, "'Ye, pasado na daw ako..."----message ni Yanii.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for Yanii, Iyay and Rix. Their hard work had paid off. But it just made me wonder, where does their success place me? Kakainis that it seems like their success are the measure of mine. I make it so.

I get my strength from them. I find inspiration in what I do because I have found refuge in my friendship with them... and to watch them drift away, leaving me behind as I watch them always one step ahead of me---it's a stressful sight... I know they can very well go on without having to wait for me or even include me in their plans because they don't have to. They don't need to. [Although admittedly, I wish they would---Yeah, sign of dependence.]

Truth is that they do more to me than I do for them. They are my safety net. And maybe because I have grown too comfortable with them and too dependent, that God is allowing this to happen in order to make me feel that there's nothing more factual than the reality that I have to deal with myself, alone.

I AM the only one who will have to bear with myself through tough times. I am on my own. I have to be on my own.

Dr. Christina Yang Quote from Grey's Anatomy Season 4:

"You make me sick. Have some fire. Be unstoppable. Be a force of nature. Be better than anyone here and don't give a damn what anyone thinks. There are no teams, no buddies. You're on your own. BE on your own."

Kapul naman talaga.

My quote to my groupmate early this morning who keep muttering "kung nag-board exam na tayo ngayon e di pasado na pala tayo...dami kayang nakapasa na di naman diserving o medyo mas magaling pa tayo..." Blah, blah, blah.

"Stop crying over spilt milk. It's annoying. Get over it."

That man, so full of crap.

Anger Management

2008-07-22T22:45:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days... I was bitching around and cranky. Almost everything pissed me off. I was warm to touch and was apparently ready to explode.

Heavy PUJ Seatmate. Well, she in a way set me up for a stressful day early this morning. She was heavy, swear... Kasi everytime na pi-preno yung jeep [at hindi siya talaga kumakapit] ay nakahilig siya sa akin and I was the one who must carry her weight for her... So, soooooooo annoying.

Buti na nga lang at wala'ng naninigarilyo sa jeep kanina... kundi lalo ako magiging cranky. I hate PUJ smokers----such insensitive smokers should go to hell. Doesn't everyone know na halos pantay lang ang risk ng taong nag-smoke sa mga taong hindi nag-smoke pero na-i-inhale niya ang usok sa pagkakaroon ng lung-related diseases??? Freakin' unfair, no? Kung minsan nga mas malaki pa ang chance na magka-Lung Cancer ang mga non-smokers o yung tinatawag na "Second Hand Smokers" kesa sa mga insensitive smokers na yan e... I hate hate hate lung cancer... It's the most difficult way to die...

Elevator Bitch. The second one to set me off, and actually was the most successful, was the elevator bitch---whoever she may be---who said "Dapat lang" in a sarcastic tone to me and my groupmate while we were leaving the elevator.

So, kwento: Lunch break na namin at from the new building ng CGH-MC, we have to go down three more floors going to the other building to avail lunch food in a 30-40 minutes break, time for eating and forming a line to the counter included. Tapos, we boarded... and then, hindi nag-overload---pero I know it was really at the brick of having the overload alarm ringing. But when we were one floor down, the door opened and there was something that triggered the alarm and someone has to go down or the elevator would not descend. Yung kaklase ko, knowing that, ay bumaba... but she was alone and we wouldn't want it that she'll be running down the stairs alone. So we all decided to unboard the elevator. we told the elevator to hold the door and we're going down... that was when I heard a voice saying "Dapat lang..."

It set me up with my nose almost blazing with flames when I said to her "Epal..." hoping that she would hear it. Sabi pa nga ni Tayne, nakasabay pa yata namin yung "Nursing Aid" [NOTE: nursing aid lang siya na nagmamagaling a... yung mga doctor nga na nasa elevator at that time wasn't even reacting or making stride remarks... such bitch...] na nag-remark ng ganon... Ampfffff...

Actually, nung isang araw pa ko nabubuwisit ng mga taong yon sa elevator. The day before naman, yung isang elevator operator naman ang nagparining when she said "ako na lang ang bababa at nakahiya naman sa inyo" in the same sarcastic tone [or almost the same tone]. To think ni wala nga siyang rason to board the elevator kasi she was the operator of the other elevator on the other side na habitually nasisira...

Okay lang naman nang before that ay sinabi ng operator [in a not so good tone] na bababa kaming mga estudyante kapag may pasyente dahil nagrereklamo daw ang mga pasyente na mga estudyante ang nakasakay sa elevator... Wala namang problema dun e. We are good and able. P'wede ba namin pababain sa wheelchair or pabangunin sa mga stretcher nila ang mga pasyente to make the walk? Kami naman ang lalabas na mga istupido nun kung ganon.

Porke't mga estudyante kami they would treat us as if they are above us? Uuuuuuuuh, they can go to hell for all I care. I am capable of giving off respect the same way that I deserve it. Now, I sound crazy and mad. I am mad, but I held it off.

Self-assertiveness, sabi ko, I need it.

China 's greatest love story ever told...

2008-07-10T13:49:00.001-07:00

An incredible love story has come out of China recently and managed to touch the world.

It is a story of a man and an older woman who ran off to live and love each other in peace for over half a century.

The 70-year-old Chinese man who hand-carved over 6,000 stairs up a mountain for his 80-year-old wife has passed away in the cave which has been the couple's home for the last 50 years.

Over 50 years ago, Liu Guojiang a 19 year-old boy, fell in love with a 29 year-old widowed mother named Xu Chaoqin..

In a twist worthy of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, friends and relatives criticized the relationship because of the age difference and the fact that Xu already had children.

At that time, it was unacceptable and immoral for a young man to love an older woman.. To avoid the market gossip and the scorn of their communities, the couple decided to elope and lived in a cave in Jiangjin County in Southern ChongQing Municipality.

In the beginning, life was harsh as hey had nothing, no electricity or even food. They had to eat grass and roots they found in the mountain, and Liu made a kerosene lamp that they used to light up their lives.

Xu felt that she had tied Liu down and repeatedly asked him, 'Are you regretful? Liu always replied, 'As long as we are industrious, life will improve.'

In the second year of living in the mountain, Liu began and continued for over 50 years, to hand-carve the steps so that his wife could get down the mountain easily.

Half a century later in 2001, a group of adventurers were exploring the forest and were surprised to find the elderly couple and the over 6,000 hand-carved steps. Liu MingSheng, one of their seven children said, 'My parents loved each other so much, they have lived in seclusion for over 50 years and never been apart a single day. He hand carved more than 6,000 steps over the years for my mother's convenience, although she doesn't go down the mountain that much.'

The couple had lived in peace for over 50 years until last week. Liu, now 72 years, returned from his daily farm work and collapsed. Xu sat and prayed with her husband as he passed away in her arms. So in love with Xu, was Liu, that no one was able to release the grip he had on his wife's hand even after he had passed away.

'You promised me you'll take care of me, you'll always be with me until the day I died, now you left before me, how am I going to live without you?'

Xu spent days softly repeating this sentence and touching her husband's black coffin with tears rolling down her cheeks.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In 2006, their story became one of the top 10 love stories from China , collected by the Chinese Women Weekly. The local government has decided to preserve the love ladder and the place they lived as a museum, so this love story can live forever.

YIEL'S NOTE: This is an email forwarded to me by Ms. Herher... I'm not sure about when it actually happened.

China 's greatest love story ever told...

2008-07-10T13:49:00.000-07:00

An incredible love story has come out of China recently and managed to touch the world.

It is a story of a man and an older woman who ran off to live and love each other in peace for over half a century.

In a twist worthy of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, friends and relatives criticized the relationship because of the age difference and the fact that Xu already had children.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

YIEL'S NOTE: This is an email forwarded to me by Ms. Herher... I'm not sure about when it actually happened.

Temporary 5 Year Plan Entry 1 [Introduction]

2008-06-28T15:07:00.000-07:00

Truly, I'm in the mood weaving dreams since two nights ago while I was reading some nursing job opportunities available both inside and outside the country.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaay, natutuwa ako sa sarili ko na nag-start na ulit ako mangarap. Wala lang, nakakatuwa lang. I used to have stopped dreaming since I realized I don't have control over my affairs and decision-makings. That some people whose irresistable power over me I cannot fight back or even just refuse. That they had laid my life ahead of me and my only task was to make it happen in accordance to their timeline. I realized that I can do nothing more to kick them out of my system and that I have no rights to cut them off my affairs... They are, after all, the ones who feed me, send me to school, gave me a shelter when my own family had decided on abandoning me. They picked me out from the litter and I am in no position to show ingratitude in any way.

Childhood Dreams and Ambitions: I can still remember what kind of ambitions I used to have when I was little. I used to have this shelf with stuff toys in it. I would often play teacher or doctor with them. Madalas ako'ng gumamit ng mga mechanical pencils to pretend that it was a syringe and used to inject my dolls with it then perform a surgery on them or someting. I used to discuss my day's assignment to that shelf of toys pretending to have asked them a question for recitation soon after I played doctor. Then later on I would lull my favorite doll, Jennifer, to sleep with my own created lyrics of strange melodies I myself had invented. Then I traced, even at that young age I was already into creating something artistic. I draw clothes and design them. Even, I have started weaving stories and made character profiles unconsciously with my Barbie. I planned her life, her tragedy and struggles---I was already a story-teller. Not a writer, but a creator. No wonder I was so in love with TV shows, tragic characters and the like. Also, I used to talk to myself when I was young that served as story-lines and conversations in my Barbie story. No wonder. [On another note: Well, maybe that's what really happned to loner kids who couldn't get out and couldn't get friends to come over to play with. I was alone most of the time when I was young. Kind a gave me the feeling that I wasn't someone the other kids would like to hang out with----the way I look and all, you know].

Gifted: I never considered myself gifted until I was in high school. I won my first medal when I was chosen to join a debate [while I was absent] when I was in first year and, a week later, actually have won it against the Sophomores. It was my first gold. Then a few others came... Silver for collage-making then a Bronze for Essay writing contest in Filipino. That was what shot me... It was my first attempt at writing something like that and I was quite good at it... Then I started sending entries to other essay-writing contests, then a few more debate contests, extemporaneous speaking, collage making contests, until I get into play-directing, script-writing, journalism... Until a realization came to me, that was the direction my life should be taking. That I am more into writing and arts than into Sciences. I am a Left Brainer kind a gal, ;P. I am a jack of all trades and a master of nothing more than literature and psychology. Aside from those two subjects, I suck at everything else.

Big College Decision: Years before I went to a nursing college, feeling ko madali lang. Na kayang-kaya ko 'yun. Sabi ko pa, "sige basta matapos na lang ng Nursing, mapagbigyan sila Mommy". Tapos nun mag-eenroll ako sa isang writing course "Scriptwriting for TV, movie or stage" or "Creative Writing" or "Malikhaing Pasulat sa Filipino" or anything about film-making or TV production course available. First love ko kasi talaga magkuwento at ipakita sa tao yung mga episodes ng kung anu-ano'ng pantasya na naglalaro sa utak ko. While in college, I nailed almost all of my Liberal Arts subjects. I got straight 1.00 on Panitikan and Philippine Literature in English. 1.25-75 on Rizal, Asian Civ, Psychology etc. I was barely surviving my major subjects and even made it to pass all the ASHE subjects and had my "Cupping" as scheduled.

Nursing Sucks: Struggling to survive Nursing in Chinese Gen killed something in me. I feared that the more I become a nurse the least I am going to be a literary writer. The emotions I have to embace and succumb to when I am divulge in a fictional character and her tragedy were in no way going to parallel the objectivity and emotional separation I have to paractice as I was nursing someone. My patient's drama, if would be generous enough to take in with him/her, would overload me and will easily expose me to burn out. Aside from that, I sucked at almost every major subject that I am taking. So, if one would ask me: How am I surviving Nursing up to this day? My answer would be: Just one day at a time. [Sighs.]

No, Nursing doesn't Suck: Or at least, not all the time. Two days ago, I had a realization. I'd tell you about that on my next entry. Tinatamad na ko magsulat e... Promise. [Plus, I have to collect my thoughts on that one also.]

Corrinne May Song Lyrics

2008-05-23T02:02:00.000-07:00

On the Side of Me

I’m not the easiest person to love
I’m often the one who lets things go unresolved

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Yet you choose to be on the side of me
on the side of me

I’m not too proud of some things
I’ve done in my life
The skeletons in my closet
Are too big for me to hide

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Blessed Charity
You’re on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it’s cold outside
and there’s no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
but you

I’m not the easiest person to love
But you, you’ve opened your heart to show me what I’m worth

‘Cause you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
What a mystery
You’re on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it’s cold outside
and there’s no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go

I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you…

Yeah you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me

Scars [Stronger for Life]

I just want to run
Just want to hide away
Close my eyes to your gaze
Just want to leave
Don’t want to hear them say
“You’re no good at this”

When the world swirls with naysayers
Broken wings and torn pages
The road ahead
Drowning in my tears

Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground
You can mould and shape me
In your image
Breathe your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger for life

Losing myself
Gaining it back again
Forging strength from weakness
All that I am
All that I’m meant to be
Melting in your hand

Let the world swirl with naysayers
Pickled hearts and sour faces
What is real is what I cannot see

Cut away
All within me
That won’t bear fruit
Cut away
All within me

Scars make us stronger for life

All That I Need

I'm sorry that I hurt you
I took for granted all you gave
so freely to me
I pray it's not too late
To save you from a broken heart
To promise you
I'll make a brand new start
Believe me, when I say

You are all that I need
The only treasure I seek
You're the air that helps me breathe
through the darkest night when
I fall down on my knees
I was blind but now I see
You are all that I need

You know I'm far from perfect
Like a child that needs a guiding hand
Can you stay here with me?
I finally understand
You've always been the missing part
Complete the jigsaw puzzle of my heart
Please hear me, when I say

You are all that I need
The only treasure I seek
You're the air that helps me breathe
through the darkest night when
I fall down on my knees
I was blind but now I see
You are all that I need

Please,
let me hear your voice again
Let me hear you say
your love will never end
That whatever it takes you'll be there
Believe me, when I say

You are all that I need
The only treasure I seek
You're the air that helps me breathe
through the darkest night when
I fall down on my knees
I was blind but now I see
You are all that I need
You are all that I need.

Everything In Its Time

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer,
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

Shelter

What's wrong, whats getting you down
Is it something I might have said?
You're walking around
with your head to the ground
and your eyes are watery red

I know you've been through rough times
Kicked around, thrown to the ground
but you've always been the strong one
So don't tell me that nobody gets you
'cause I'm standing in your corner
Knocking at tour door
You don't have to be alone

Just call my name
Let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way
I wanna ease your pain
Help me understand
Let me be your shelter my friend

We share a bond
You and I we belong
We're like coffee and morning trains
You strip my defenses
I catch your pretenses
The same blood runs through our veins
I swore I'd be your lifeline
Made a vow that I'd surround you with love at every milestone
I'll listen when nobody gets you
I'm still standing in your corner
Waiting by your door
You don't have to be alone

Just call my name
Let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way
I wanna ease your pain
Help me understand
Let me be your shelter my friend

It was not too long ago
You sought to understand
You helped me mend
Remember when
So promise me you'll

Call my name
Let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way
I wanna ease your pain
Help me understand
Let my be your shelter my friend

The Answer

I believe you are the answer to
every tear I've cried
I believe that you are with me
My rising and my light
Give me strength when I am weary
Give me hope when I can't see
Through the crosses I must carry
Lord, bind my heart to thee
That when all my days are over
and all my chores are done
I may see your risen Glory
Forever where you are.

Save Me

I drift, I burn, I fly
When you sing lullabies
I'm helpless, I'm yearning
I'm like the putty in your hands

I laugh, I dream, I cry
When you take me on a roller coaster ride
You see me through and through
You see just who i am
Just take my hand and

Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven Knows
Heaven knows I've been waiting for you

I had a dream that i
was falling from the sky
At 90 miles an hour
I was bound to crash and die
But out of nowhere you came and rescued me
There must be some grace in the touch of your face
I'm so happy that I've found you
I'm no longer afraid

Oh ' cause you
Save me from this place
Heaven knows i'm falling
For you my sweet embrace
Heaven knows
Heaven knows I've been waiting

Before i met you
Life was slow-mo
So slow-mo
I thought i had it figured out
But you came and turned my whole world upside down

Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven knows
Heaven knows you've come to

Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven Knows
Heaven knows I've been waiting for you
Waiting for you

Beautiful Seed

You can fill the darkness
with just one flash of light
Break the silence with just one word
One defiance starts a revolution
One life can save the world

On the steps of Washington
Sprinkled like confetti
Thousands of people sing
"we will overcome"
The preacher shouts:
"Let freedom ring"
He gave his life for what he believed

You can be a withness
You can be a prophet
You can make the whole world believe
Break the strongest fortress
change the way the world thinks
You can build a bridge where
foes can meet
Hope for the future
Shout it, don't whisper
Dreams are what we make them to be
There's hope in every heartbeat
Tiny as it seems
You're a beautiful seed

She's a pastor's daughter
She's only 16
But her heart and belly
are beaking at the seams
Her boyfriend blames her
He wants to pay
for the doctor to wash it away

She lays in the hospital
A Christmas choir is singing
About a child in a manger
fragile and small
"unto us is born a Saviour"
She looks at her baby and cries
as she sings him a lullaby

You can be a withness
You can be a prophet
You can make the whole world believe
Break the strongest fortress
change the way the world thinks
You can build a bridge where
foes can meet
Hope for the future
Shout it, don't whisper
Dreams are what we make them to be
There's hope in every heartbeat
Tiny as it seems
You're a beautiful seed

Every hope, every power
lies in the heart if a seed that flowers
Intertwined all across the land
we're all seeds in the maker's hands

Five Loaves, Two Fishes

A little boy of thirteen
was on his way to school
He heard a crowd of people laughing
and he went to take a look
Thousands were listening
to the stories of one man
He spoke with such wisdom,
even the kids could understand

The hours passed so quickly
the day turned to night
Everyone was hungry
but there was no food in sight
The boy looked in his lunchbox
at the little that he had
He wasn't sure what good it'd do
there were thousands to be fed

But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus
the kindness in His smile
and the boy cried out
with the trust of a child
he said:

"Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
to feed them all"

I often think about that boy
when I'm feeling small
and I worry that the work I do
means nothing at all

But every single tear I cry
is a diamond in His hands
and every door that slams in my face
I will offer up in prayer

So I'll give you every breath that I have
Oh Lord, you can work miracles
All that you need is my "Amen"

Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
I hope it's not too small

I trust in you
I trust in you

Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
no gift is too small

Little Superhero Girl

I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wild world
Everybody wants a piece of me
And I just don't know where to run
I've got work piled up to my head
All I want to do is jump into bed
And wash away my troubles with lemonade
Play hide and seek with the boy next door
Take a trip to Singapore
And imagine how i'll make the world a better place

All I need is a good disguise
One where nobody can recognize
That I'm feeling so small
All I need is a secret weapon
I've gotta have faith
Zapping monsters into outer space
I'm gonna be a Superhero

Na-na-na-na...

If I were a little girl
Trying to clean up the whole wide world
I'd kick the bad boys back to school
Teach them fighting's just not cool
I'd give every kid a teddy bear
Turn starving people into millionaires
Break glass ceilings with dynamite
Sprinkle a little sugar and spice
Turn the bullies that terrorize
Into pink poodles that bark but don't bite

All I need is a good disguise
One where nobody can recognize
That I'm feeling so small
All I need is a secret weapon
I've gotta have faith
Zapping monsters into outer space
I'm gonna be a Superhero

Na-na-na-na...

Little Superhero Girl
Little Superhero Girl
Save me
Little Superhero Girl
Little Superhero Girl
Save me from myself

I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wide world

Journey

It's a long long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long long journey
And I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you

Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong

I know I will falter
I know I will cry
I know you'll be standing by my side
It's a long long journey
And I need to be close to you

Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through

Cause It's a long long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on calvary
Beneath those stormy skies

When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
Coz' It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you
To you

Angel In Disguise

I woke up this morning feeling kind of blue
and I stumbled out of bed
and dragged my feet across the room
Right outside my front door was a rose
and a note that said 'Somebody Loves You'

But out on the street it starts to pour
and before I get soaking wet,
A total stranger runs to give me
the jacket off his back
I turn around to thank him
But he waves me with a smile
I can hardly believe my eyes
He puts on a halo and starts to fly

Take a look at the ordinary
Don't need to look at Paradise
You could be next to
an angel in disguise

I met a good friend for lunch
and we had a delicious meal
But I forgot to bring my wallet
I felt like an imbecile
But she was sweet, she gave me a treat and
Bought me a chicken sandwich
To take home for tea

But out on the street with nothing to eat
A man and his shopping cart go
Travelling to places,
Collecting social graces
I give him my sandwich
and we chatter for a while
I see a rainbow wash over his eyes
He gives me his halo and
I start to fly

Take a look at the ordinary
Don't need to look for Paradise
You could be next to an angel in disguise

Don't try to hide away from me
I know you're by my side

Take a look at the ordinary
Don't need to look for Paradise
You could be next to
an angel in disguise
Everyday can be legendary
Every minute, an endless surprise
You could be the next angel in disguise

I woke up this morning
Feeling kind of new.

If I Kissed You

If I kissed you
Would fireworks fly
Woud angels sing with lollipops
Would dinosaurs cry
Would babies all gurgle in laughter and surprise
If I kissed you.

If I kissed you
What would Michaelangelo say
Would he still have sculpted David
Would we be immortalized in clay
Would the poets write of love like ours
Would John Donne have his say
If I kissed you

You could be one in a million
You could be the one for me
But l guess I'll never know if I never try
I guess I'll just have to grab you in my arms and kiss you.

If I kissed you
Would you lose track of time
Would you feel a surge of happiness
Running up your spine
Would you run naked in the street
with a tattoo of my name on your behind
If I kissed you.
Oh, if I kissed you
Yeah, if I kissed you.

Every Beat of My Heart

So here we stand
Anchored in hope
Letting the rain wash away every fear

Stars in the sky
Twinkle and shine
I pray they won't disappear

'cause I don't know
where your journey goes
or how long it will take to unfold
But as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
I will be watching over every beat of your heart

I wish that time could be replayed
I'd keep you here with me everyday

They say that love is letting go
I hope that you find your way

'cause I don't know
where your journey goes
or how long it will take to unfold
But as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
I know you're watching over every beat of my heart

Same Side of the Moon

I'm looking out the window
Where we sat to watch the stars
There's a chill within the air
It makes my heart long for your touch
You may be miles away
But as I kneel to pray

I see the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

I picture you across the ocean
In your corner of the world
I pray the wind will blow my voice
And gently whisper in your ear
Your night may be my day
And though the seasons change

It's still the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

The Birthday Song

Don't worry about that extra line
That's creeping up upon your face
It's just a part of nature's way
To say you've grown a little more
Trees have rings and thicker branches
Kids shoes get a little tighter
Every year we're getting closer to who we're gonna be
It's time to celebrate the story of how you've come to be

Happy birthday my friend
Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had
You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true

So light a candle on your cake
For every smile you've helped create
For every heart and every soul
You've known to grow a little more
A few more pounds, a little more grey
Don't count the years just count the way
It takes a little time to go from water into wine
Don't ever lose the wonder of the child within your eyes

Happy birthday my friend
Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had
It's such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true

If You Didn't Love Me

If every drop of water disappeared from the land
And every drop of ocean suddenly turned to sand
That would all be nothing
Compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me

What if I woke up and couldn't hear a sound
And all that I could see was darkness all around
That would still be nothing
Compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me

If I could have the world and all that money could buy
And I could travel far beyond the moon and the sky
If they gave me golden wings,
well I still couldn't fly
without you, nothing would matter

You and I walk beside each other day after day
But there's so much inside me, I never get to say
My life would be so empty
with nothing left to feel
If you didn't love me
If you didn't love me.

Haggard to the Nth Level

2008-05-07T00:42:00.000-07:00

Yeah... That was me---during my Asian Civilization Class. Don't get me wrong, I'm not super proud of it, pero di ko talaga nakaya. Gawd, buti na nga lang at ang bait ni Ma'am Vinta. Hinyaan niya ko matulog sabay side comment na "wag n'yo istorbohin at ganyan matulog ang Buddha." XD, pero grrrrrrr... buti na lang carry ko subject niya. Chicken feed.

Ba't ba? Lufet sched ko e... Lunch break lang ang pahinga. Loko 'to si Pot, kinunan pa ng pix... pero heck---ganyan talaga ang buhay. Kung hindi ka nakatulog kahit isang beses lang sa klase ng kahit na sinong teacher o kahit na anong antas, e idol kita. Kasama kaya sa initiation ng buhay ang ma-haggard at makatulog sa history class... Hehehee...

Poor Little Naruto

2008-04-19T02:55:00.000-07:00

Wawa naman si Naruto---yun name na binigay ni Pukoy sa kanya e. Ayaw ni Mama sa kanya... sinoli na lang tuloy siya dun sa may-ari nung Mommy Doggie niya.

Namumroblema pa naman ako yesterday kung paano gagawin ko sa kanya. Ayaw ni Mama na kunin siya ulit. Bigay na puppy kasi si Naruto sa little brother ko na si Pukoy.

Sa totoo lang, I feel for Naruto that no one wants him ["it" ba dapat?]. Kainis... I can't have him either kasi 4 na yung dogs na alaga ni Daddy dito sa bahay---namely Pochie, Bu-ge, Cuddy and Lola Cha-cha.

Sana ok lang si Naruto...

Sweet niya pa naman. Miss ko na siya kahit one night lang kami nagkasama---hindi niya ko pinatulog dahil ang kulit nya... Wuv ko na rin cya nun...

Summer Semester Details

2008-03-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

MULTIPLY LINK: http://angcatalonan.multiply.com/photos/album/5/Summer_Semester_Details#

Randon squishh...

2008-03-29T05:01:00.000-07:00

Pute-k Shots: Well, as always he's my model. Doesn't matter how hard he'll try to reject me, I'm gonna take his pictures. Blegh.

Daddy's Manong MMDA making wiwi:Cute talaga ni Manong MMDA. What makes Mommy laugh even harder is the Buddha Dad placed behing the peeing Manong. Hehee---sabi ni Mommy, naninilip daw c Buddha.

Moving On

2008-03-25T03:26:00.000-07:00

Anxious talaga ako ngayon.

Earlier this afternoon, we had a meeting with none other than the great Dean Iris Chua-So [and yes... idol ko rin po siya---dalawa lang sila ni Ms. Chin]. There was no mention of her rumored resignation whatsoever. Now, scrap that.

What's bothering me is that she had been true to her word to help us graduate on October... Actually, it ended up on an earlier date---it has been moved to September and she's planning for us to take the board exam on November. Ang galing talaga ni Dean So. But gosh, the thought of it alone is giving me the involuntay chills of both nervousness and excitement.

Don't get me wrong. Gustong-gustong-GUSTO ko na talagang matapos ng Nursing this October. I want this feeling of uncertainty to end. I want this feeling of being a burden to the people who adopted me to end. I want to start living for myself already and make them let me go to learn my own ways. I want to start taking charge of my life and drive it according to my choices, guilt-free. I want to be guilt-free.

Ang problema nga lang ay ang schedule ko ng Summer Semester. Dean So laid it on our tables... She said that the schedule for our much awaited NCM 104 [that is normally offered during 1st Semester] will be from Mondays to Saturdays either 7AM-12NN or 1-5PM. Asian Civilization classes will also be offered during the remaining half-day hours of Thursdays and Fridays. Sounds good enough, eh? No. The set of instructors who accepted the offer to teach the major subject NCM104 isn't a promising set. Well, not that they aren't competent. It's just that one of them is known for his cunning and unforgiving teaching method. He is capable of too much self-degrading cruelty, while the other instructor I don't know much about.

Guess what's worst? I still have Microbiology Lecture as a back lag subject and there's no other time to take it but now. So, all in all, my schedule would look like this: Mondays to Wednesdays, 7-12 will be NCM104 and 1-5 will be Microbiology Lecture; Thursdays to Saturdays will be the continuation of NCM104 in the morning and Asian Civ in the afternoon. Imagine a fully loaded schedule like that for 2 months up until early June, and imagine where in the world will I get the energy that I will need.

When will be the time for me to read my books, to review my notes? Will I ever get the chance to do advance reading with that schedule? Can I take that much pressure? Am I ready to take the board exam on November? Do I even have the chance to pass it? Or at least, can I survive this one heck of a Summer Semester?

My Dad said I got to stop chit-chatting on YM, that's like giving up the only socialization link that I have with the world. I know I kind a suck in real life. I can be such a nutshell, boring. I am often left out... but I agree with him. I got to stop or at least, control my urge to spend so much time in front of my computer. I agree with him that I have to start reading already. Great sacrifices are required in order for me to survive this.

My whims----oh my God, my whims----I got to give them up. No more pulling-out of an all-nighter television show marathons. No more writing multi-chapter stories for Fictionpress.com and Fanfiction.net. No more going home to Bulacan. No more to procrastination. No more.

So... with this entry---I am swearing with conviction that my world will revolve only to my Microbiology, Psychiatric and Medical-Surgical books. I will allow myself a few hours in the evening to check my e-mails and and watch a few evening shows. Then, no more. Nothing more than that. OMG, I wish I will be able to live up to it. I know God would help me get through it.

2 months----Next week will be the beginning of the 2 longest months of my life.

Ut in Omnibus Glorificatur Dei.

Hello Kitty and Dear Daniel~~~ the 1vs100 Retrospection Entry

2008-02-25T11:44:00.000-08:00

Naku, nakakainis----ba't ako rin di ko alam yun? Buti pa si Hello Kitty may BF... Sayang, kala ko tataas pa ang "high" ko last Saturday habang nanonood kay Ms. Chin sa 1 vs. 100, pero as the old adage goes "all is well, that ends well" nang sa wakas ay natapos rin ang kung ilang minuto ng kakulitan ni Corazon on a Saturday show and timeslot.

Ang isa pang nakakatawa ay ang isang buong araw ng adventure ko ng pakikibaka para sa karapatang makapanood ng tv. Pasaway kasi si Mommy, nanonood siya ng "Kakasa ka ba sa Grade 5?" at nagagalit sa akin kapag nililipat ko sa "Volta"---pano kasi baka mag-umpisa ang 1 vs. 100 na isang linggo ko ring inantay at inisip sa bawat gabi. Waaaaaaahhahaa----adik talaga.

Syempre, I should not forget to mention that that Saturday, Birthday din ni Mommy. So you could just imagine how hard I had to negotiate for a "lunch out" instead of a "dinner out".

Well, while watching "Rhodora" survive the "Ten Picks", si Mommy na bandang huli ay napilitan manood ng gusto kong panoorin ay wala nang tigil sa kakatawa sa mga pinaggagagawa at pinagsasasabi ni Ms. Chin Chin Gutierrez at Edu Manzano. To think, halos tulugan ni Mommy ang umpisa dahil ayaw talagang manood---aba't uubra ba siya sa akin? Waaaaaahhhahahahaaaaa---evil laugh .

Yun lang, share ko lang po. BTW, alam na rin ni Mommy ang pangalan ng tatay ni John Lloyd as mentioned sa tula ni Ria. Hahhaaaaaaa----imagine that. Na-high nga si Mommy e, up until Sunday natatawa pa rin siya.

P.S.: Sabi ko na nga ba muntik na rin siya sa DDR e... hehe, nakakatuwa rin ang mob in that episode. Ang gulo nila, .

Charles, my Charles.

2008-02-14T16:57:00.000-08:00

I miss Charles. I went through my multpily account and saw his old picture. I love this kid. I met him at RSCC when we had our duty there.

[Guess what? I am at this time listening to a Les Miserables song that goes: "He is young, he's afraid. Let him rest, heaven blessed. Bring him home, bring him home, bring him home..." Sad song.]

Sana sinundo na siya ng family niya. It's a very painful thought to know that his own family abandoned him ang left him there. I wish they would make up for the lost time and the abandonment will not hurt him as a human being. I wish he'd heal. I wish he'd live a good life.

CODA: Ang Catalonan

2008-02-12T06:42:00.000-08:00

I don’t belong here. I don’t belong to deadlines and caged structures. I don’t fit well in a box; such makes it difficult for me to breathe. I thought so before I could survive here but I was wrong. I used to want this, but again I was wrong. I was dead wrong.

I belong to the Earth---to the wind that tussles my hair for eternal ownership; to the sun that bathes my hidden glory with visual contours; to the sky that nestles me in the womb of a Higher Being.

I am a priestess; a slave of the Mother, a channel of God, an advocate of art and a lover of words. I may seem worthless but I am not. I may not excel in means calculated by numerical values, but I will make a position for my self in this world.

But first things first, I don’t belong here.

I am owned by something else.

Picture at Ortho

2008-02-10T20:04:00.000-08:00

Kakalat-kalat kasi ang picture na 'to sa ibabaw ng computer table ko, sabi ko ilalagay ko sa blog. Anyway, eto na siya. from Left to right: Lyks, Offie--- si Ma'm [sorry, miserable talaga ako sa pagtanda ng mga names]---ako at si Petil.

Ayan, saya di ba. Bago yan magdemo ng BST.

Vitales Signa, a thought of quitting

2008-01-28T04:19:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of things I want to do.

I want to find myself a job and actually earn some money. I want to learn to speak Spanish and Korean, attend a class or so. I want to publish a book for PHR romance and try to find out if I may have a future in it. I want to be a Red Cross Emergency Medical Team volunteer and undergo training. I want to publish more stories for fanfiction.net. I want to lose weight and find "me". Most of all, I want to start reading ahead and review for my future board exam...

...and Vitales Signa is not a part of my plans anymore.

I guess it just bored me to death. There really is a certain eerie in Chinese Gen that makes me feel like I don't belong and I just can't find a place anywhere there for me. I don't know, it's just that I'm considering quitting and leaving the college publication.

I don't know.

1st Day at Female Charity Ward

2008-01-21T05:22:00.000-08:00

I know I should start this entry with the beginning of my day but I'm gonna jump off right at what's been bothering me. I freakin' forgot one important meeting with Princess Leasl online. How could I be so damn stupid?

Well, anyway my day started off quite weird. I bathed in alcohol, as in isoporphyl alcohol. My head--no, not my mind but my head as in scalp---has been bugging me. It's itchy. I don't know what irritated it but I think it wasn't the recently discovered growth of lice. I don't know where I got it or from whom its just that I hate lice. I got to do something to stop their growth.

Again---duty: okay, what did we do today? We had an orientation and we were dismissed quite early. And also, a very late news reached me: Dean Iris Chua-So's husband had a vehicular accident 2 weeks ago [or so I've heard]. He's in Neuro-ICU but news has it that he's stable and he's ready for transfer to a private room. I really, really wish he'll be ok. The Dean must be under so much stress lately. I wish she'll get through it as gracefully as she always did. Her family's health will be included in my prayers.

Another thing, Ms. Limjoco passed by Female Charity Ward this morning. She said something about talking to Dean So about our "Octoberian Dream". I wish to graduate on October, with that I'm just 1 semester late from my batchmates. Yasmin, Rica and Iza will graduate this March or April and will take the nursing board exam on June. I wish they'll pass it. I also wish that I will.

Of course, the "Rivera Incident" talk happened again. It has to happen. That's how Lyks, Offie and me deal with it. Alyanna did not come to the area, I wonder what had gotten into her that she missed it. I hope she'll come by tomorrow.

The Night Before My 1st day of CGHMC Duty for this Year 2008...

2008-01-20T05:37:00.000-08:00

Still traumatized by the damned "Rivera Incident", I can't seem to find sleep. Tomorrow is my first Chinese General Hospital Medical Center [CGHMC] duty for this year after a long time. I think in the inside I am a little anxious---still shaking with fear and hatred because of what happened during my case presentation with Rivera months ago. He's not human. He's a monster and he's still chasing after me during my sleep.

Ms. Limjoco confirmed that I'm going to have a Repeat Rotation [RR] on March with him again as my clinical instructor [CI] at N5. And regardless of how I want to contain my emotions about the thought of him looking over my shoulders, it still brings a certain pang of pain and insult.

While I'm shuddering in pain, solitude and hate here in my lonely room, the thought of the Vitales Signa, our college newspaper in which I assume the position of editor-in-chief, first semester issue took another slot in my anxiety block. I swear to finish it this week. I'll just let these 3 days of hospital duty this week pass smoothly and on Thursday, I swear I'll have it ready for publishing in Mr. Malvas' hands.

Before I end this entry for today, let me finish it with me making a mental note for myself that I got to start re-writing my editorial column named "Vox". I'll write there something about what happened and my thoughts about my duty in N5. I will entitle it "Fallen Hero".

Dealing with Stress

2008-01-02T05:17:00.000-08:00

Researched by Mariel Liza Raymundo
Written by Chelle Asuncion

Everyday we are exposed to different stressors. They truly make us ill and cause many health problems. From mere sleeplessness to severe heart attacks up to digestive problems, stress makes an essential contributing factor. However, a research presented at the 115th Annual Convention of the American Psychological Association by the University of Hawaii recently found evidence ti suggest that people who cope with stress well may have higher HDL “good” cholesterol levels than people who deals poorly with stress. Interestingly, subjects who dealt well with their stress did not show any decrease in LDL “bad” cholesterol level.

Important caveats to this discovery are that the subjects of the test were all men, mostly white and over 50 years old. Nonetheless, the findings showed an interesting relationship between cholesterol and stress that is sure to be the basis of future studies.

Failure, loss and sudden changes are the typical stressors we encounter. These stressors happen uncontrollably therefore learning to manage them is the utmost part. Identifying these stressors makes a significant step toward managing them.

There are numerous positive ways of coping with stress. Similarly there are also numerous negative ways. Finding yourself indulging to alcohol, drugs or certain foods could give you an instant feeling far from being stressed yet the fact that the stressor is still present and unchanged. The likelihood that it may just get worse might not be appealing in the end. Relaxation, exercise and communication are just few of the simple strategies of coping with stress.

Here are some constructive coping mechanisms that will help you battle stress:

Relax. Relaxation promotes clear thinking. One simple technique is to sit in a quiet room and picture yourself in a peaceful place like walking in the shore or breathing fresh air in a mountain peak, this method is known as Guided Imagery. Listening to a calm music is also a common way to relax. Other formal means are meditation and breathing exercises. If you have the rime, it will be helpful for you to engage to training programs of yoga or any other sports where you can provide yourself the time needed to revitalize your mind.

Exercise. Regular exercise releases endorphins which have stress-fighting properties. Simple stretching after an hour of heavy work creates the same comfort of waking up in a lovely sunny day. Experts suggest that 20 minutes of exercise thrice a week could be an effective stress reducer.

Communicate. Just like a radio program always say: Letting it out could make a big difference. Communication is one of the most effective ways to resolve a stressor. Either a problem was faced squarely and a relief was gained; or leave it as it is to let it boggle your mind endlessly. Confiding to a family member or to a friend soothes greatly. Seeking professional counseling or joining a support group may also be helpful. Journal or letter writing could also get your feelings out in the open and eventually release the kept uneasiness.

Still-Life Painting

2008-01-01T06:35:00.000-08:00

Still-Life Painting
By Mariel Liza Matias-Raymundo

Things not moving,
Things unrelenting,
Things not mending,
I stood.
I posed.
The ceiling then moved, rocked.
I fell to the floor.
Bam, it sounds.
Pain, it feels.
Solitude, it says.
Hell, it seems.
I was angry, mad.
Why?
I am destroyed, devastated.
There?
I lay on the ground:
Stood upon
Knocked-off
I cried: no moan, no roar.
Only sobs,
So quiet
So restricted
So locked in the chest
Solely, I endure.
Grudgingly, I quarrel.
Fearfully, I fight.
Brevity, I cast.
Still:
I did not move.
I did not relent.
I did not mend.
I lay, unmoved.
I posed, untouched.

Betrayal

2007-12-26T17:37:00.000-08:00

Betrayal
By Mariel Liza Matias-Raymundo

I said
Trust me
Trust me
Trust me.

I will come.
Trust me.

I will be there
Trust me.

I will fight
Heaven and hell
to be there
I will
be there
Trust me.

I swore.
Trust me.

I am coming.
Trust me.

I will be late
but
I am
almost
there.
Trust me.

I will do this perfectly
Trust me.

I told you
I will be there
At your back
Trust me.

I will catch you
If you fall
Trust me.

I said
Trust me
Trust me
Trust me.

You did?
Trust me?

I swore.
I came.
Trust me, you did?

I came in late.
I thought I was almost there.
You really did, trust me?

I did it.
Almost as perfectly as you wanted it
Trust me, you surely did?

Did I come?
Was I there?
Did you wait?
Trust me, you did?

2007-12-23T19:37:00.000-08:00

The World through the Eyes of my Patient An Entry in Response to Vitales Signa’s Essay Writing Challenge

Osmeña’s Eyes

I don’t know what the hell it is that is in my patient’s eye that makes me want to freak out. I don’t know what the hell it is in my own eye that makes me want to freak out even more. But then, it occurs to me, perhaps it really has nothing to do with both our eyes staring at each other with differing opinions but is connected by a fifty-peso bill grasped by her hand as she insisted on pushing it for me to accept. At a glimpse to the piece of paper I was pushing back to her, I am suddenly dragged to the thought of what the hell it is that is in Osmeña’s eyes that makes me want to freak out even more than more.

Suddenly there is an uprising in my head: a constant battle of good and evil, a continuation of the endless quest in search for the truth. Should I let my service or practice be purchased by my patient for a fifty-peso bill? I mean, is my dignity equal only to this red paper with Sergio Osmeña’s face on it that can be traded for less than a dollar?

Early that morning, even before the sun tripped its way out of the east coast, right after I rose to face one of the most challenging days of my life as I finally get the chance to work in an MS ward. I made an oath that that day will be a day I will never forget in the whole of my RLE life. We started the day off with the endorsement until I finally meet my patient for that shift. Just when I was about to breathe the first word to introduce myself, she smiled at me and said something I cannot recognize. When she opened her mouth again to say another word that is when I realize that she is actually speaking in Chinese. I started to freak out just slightly because the only words I know, or I think I know, in Chinese are siopao and siomai and I’m not really very sure about that.

Of course, I never let my patients know just how unsure I can be in front of them. It’s a look patient get in their eyes that makes me want to freak out even at the beginning. I rendered the morning care, changed her linens and was definitely in endless thought of how in the world will I ask her just how many times she peed and pooped by the end of my shift.

After I decided that I will just get on with it by demonstrating the questions to her, she asked me a favor to gently massage her neck. So, I did as I was told. I let my hand communicate with her pained neck and after a while, just when I was beginning to be proud of myself, she dismissed me and handed me a fifty peso-bill. I don’t know at that time whether to run off away from it or run off with it.

The hardest part is that, after the battle has been fought and the truth has been told, I ran off with it. I took the bill and up until now I cannot remember what I did with it or how I spent it. I don’t know what went on in that lonely room that she convinced me to have it. It was like, for once, I lived with the fact that the reason I chose this profession is to really gain all the monetary advances I can get. That event became the manifestation of what life I really have in my mind or at least I think I have in my mind. That event constantly reminded me of the first insult I get. Not from my patient but from myself.

At that time, there is something that is in my patient’s eye that freaked me out. Maybe it is the look that she knows that not all of us, nursing students, are really there to care but to be spared of all the poverty we wanted so much to get away from. The look I have in my own eye that is adding up to the freaking is another thing. I am as guilty as I can be. I looked at Sergio Osmeña’s eyes and it really is tempting and insulting and testing.

I failed the first test. I took the temptation. I swallowed the insult.

I learned something from the experience. That is, the caring and the people are far more valuable than that stare I got from the money.

I am, and my profession should be, worth more than that.

Vitales Signa: December 2006 issue. MLMRAYMUNDO

Sex, Confusion and “The Act”

2007-12-22T06:18:00.000-08:00

It’s undeniable.

Adolescence really is the time to get sexually active. If all the biological wanting will never be enough to finally get you to consummate, then all the pressure in the environment will really get into you. When all the thought about “everybody is doing it” finally went up your confused head, you will definitely end up doing “The Act” just for the sake of doing it and having someone do-you (as they say).

I, on the other hand, have always held high standards and expectations regarding the sexual act. I have always thought of it as highly soulful rituals shared by two people to build trust with love by letting the other know how much of who and what you are he entirely owns. It is in a way guided by God while all the arousal ought nothing more than to produce an individual that you both know will complement your overflowing desire to completely own each other by enveloping yourselves inside the cell unit of a family.

“Sex before marriage encourages disrespect,” a book I read entitled I Love You written by Gordon O. Martinborough stated and continued: “She may be enjoyed but is scarcely respected, and is sometimes bypassed when he gets serious about marriage. And if the partners do proceed to a wedding, they may discover that premarital sex was robbery, for they robbed themselves of the precious mystery of each other causing the honeymoon to lose much of its meaning.”

Sex if done not out of love is nothing more than a perversion. And control of our perversion is the major difference we have over animals, but then even animals also choose their mates according to certain standards we cannot seem to understand. So, who are we to defy that gift of choice?

I will not claim that I am innocent on knowing things about intercourse (Oh, I know quite a lot—from books and films I will not dare name). I will not also deny that once a month just prior to ovulation at a time when my body is eventually preparing itself for possible fertilization and implantation, I feel a certain urge to engage in sex. I don’t know if it has of psychological roots or it just has something to do with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs tickling my biological clock.

I really don’t know, but what I know for sure is that I don’t self-stimulate just to get past that desire. I make use of the control I can have over perversion, I am very proud to say that I have used that gift of choice and I will always try to.

But then, the curiosity about the feeling of stimulation that will bring you to simultaneous ecstasy has always been there and will remain to be there until the fine thread line of your innocence was finally invaded by the giant mounting information that will undoubtedly fill you up, until all that’s left for you is to do it to satisfy all those Serotonin firing up in your nerve fibers bringing about an incredible compulsion of doing it. Surely, all the talking from peers who had done it trying to convince you so hard that “everybody is doing it” and that “it doesn’t matter to anyone anymore” will get you more to want to have the experience because you know in reality they are right. You standing against the world, against your own biological woes and the social status quo will definitely be a fierce battle because accepting the reality and fighting with your principle is an extremely difficult task. It’ll both shed you to pieces and destroy you entirely; or totally overcome your nature in which the grounds for the fight is already unfair.
So really, up to when can one hold her ground to stay clean?

I want to hold my horses until the right time comes so that my love story will have its denouement on the night of my honeymoon when I will tell my man that I waited long enough for him to come and have me, all of me; that I managed to stay clean waiting for him even though I never had the assurance that he—whoever he may be—might or might not come; that I had put everything about him and me on faith and nothing less than that.

I had a friend who texted me a message which I had always held close to my heart, it said: “Don’t rush into falling in love, God is just busy writing the best love story meant only for you.” I have always believed this. I have always put faith in this.

But then, what will be the odds for me to find the right man to grow old with? That he’ll accept me for who I am and who I may be? Will the chance really be astronomical for me to find the right man, to settle down with, to raise a family with him, to stay together with each other against all odds?

Well, then I guess I would just put all that in faith and hope real hard that through it I will make the right decision to take the course of what was planned for me.

Some mighty-mean- people-who-thinks-they-know-so-much-of-the-world-and-thinks-that-their-ego-fits-much-better-to-exist-with-reality-because-the-whole-world-has-a-problem-and-failed-to-look-inside-themselves may think that I’m so conservative with all these worthless self-preservation attempt and may actually put on some money on how long I can hold it. I don’t care what they think. What I think about myself is much more important. Losing dignity because I broke the promise I made to myself is far worst than living without a glimmer of humanity. Their opinions will matter to no one but themselves in their own trivial pursuits.

So, screw Grey’s Anatomy!

Screw all of House’s attempt of sexual advances to Cuddy!

Screw Thong Feminism and whatever it really was.

I don’t judge the people who had actually done it, maybe in a way I even envy them. I will not deny that after hearing a few stories from a certain friend who is a really close buddy to me, I was for a few days curious about it and ended up buying a psychological book “Mars and Venus in the Bedroom” from the same doctor who wrote “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” I adore their freedom and experience. I desire what they had undergone. But then it just turned out, I needed someone far more than an ‘activity-partner’. My principle weighs so much heavier than my body’s desire to do “The Act.”

I will someday do it, I know.

Heck, I know we will all do it. But I also like knowing that in the future, it’s worth the wait.