So, I'm all alone in our house sitting in front of the laptop since the early hour of the day (not to mention that this is the same scenario yesterday), talking to online buddies, posting entries for forums and created an account for myspace (In which feeling ko ay hindi ko nanaman ma-me-maintain. Just like my friendster account.).
I am waiting for the carpenter who would deliver a new sofa-bed. Ewan ko naman kung san nanaman nila (namely, Mommy and Daddy) ilalagay yun. Considering na may dalawang set na kami ng sofa sa napakaliit na living room namin. I did not attend the yoga class I enrolled myself in. I was afraid na if I would attend, I will miss the coming of the delivery van and I will be caught (that I enrolled myself in something I did not consulted them with).
Haaaay, its frustrating that in my age, they still WANT to make decisions for me! It felt like my growth as an independent human being is being retarded by their desire to control every aspect of my life. I have grown extremely comfortable in that situation. That is why, every step further from our house is freaking me out (I don't even know the end of the bus route that pass by our place.) Social situations numbs me. Meeting new people and being in a new situation makes me feel uncomfortable. I think I'm developing Asperger's Syndrome!
Every decision making revolves around what Mom wants. Like what time should I be home, just how much I should spend for the things that I want, what events I can attend, what activities I can engage myself into... It's pathetic. And miserable.
Dad makes adjustments for her. I have to make adjustments for both of them. One of these days it'll get really exhausting.
My Mom had a stroke... really, really mild heat stroke. So mild she wouldn't have noticed the symptoms if she had not heard the doctor tell her so. After that, the regression started. She always wanted people around her (as if people should know what she wants and needs without her telling them). She had become very demanding. She complains about things she can't control, and even we can't control. She bothers herself with nonsense and in effect nags us with it. She blames us not taking care of her (as if we don't take care of her---she doesn't even bathe alone anymore!) is the reason why she got sick. And she can get on and on complaining... Sometimes she's like a kid giggling over stupid jokes. She enjoys the attention that Dad is giving her (that is treating her like a child---always in need of assistance, baby talking.) It's our responsibility, of course. But this caregiver role could be exhausting.
I am holding my life on pause. I never spent sleep overs with close friends. I don't even seem to have lots of close friends! I did not go out on gigs with them. I never stayed out late until midnight (I can't even be not home before 4PM) because I know she wouldn't be able to sleep or rest until I'm home. I am confined in what she wants and what this family can take from me. This family always comes in priority. I have always tried to be good, because I shouldn't be here. I was adopted. I wasn't supposed to be their responsibility. I owe them big time.
If I would go on tackling the topic on how much I hate my biological father in this entry, it could go on forever. So, I'd save this for another entry.
Point is, with me having graduated college, I have to start learning things that's out there. I am ashamed of how I live my life. Always following orders... I don't know how I would make them understand that I have to try and stand up on my own. Because if I wouldn't be able to do this now, then later would be too late. Later, I'd have greater responsibilities on my shoulders and every weight that it'll gain will paralyze me in horror and confusion. For once, I needed to be my person for me. They got to let me go sometime soon. They raised me well, they should be confident enough to let me go. But the thing is, it can't come from me. It has to come from them, or at least an incident should happen to make them realize that I had to be free. I had to be let go.
You can't imagine for how much guilt I would have to live with my whole life if I would be the one to insist moving out. Besides, I know that if I would even try that I would be the ungrateful adopted daughter who refused to pay back my debts by taking care of the woman who picked me up from a trashed life. I got to at least try to find a way to balance all these. *sighs*
One thing about being adopted is that with your past, you would think that you don't deserve the things that you're getting. That somehow, you ALWAYS have to make yourself worthy. Worthy of freedon, worthy of a good life, worthy of other people's love, attention and time... It'll be a struggle to prove (or wanting to prove) that you're deserving of all the good things that you're getting. That every time, some time soon, you have to pay them back. (And, yes. I noticed the sudden shift of POV from 1st to 2nd. It's something psych.)
I started the entry whining about being bored. Now, I'd end it with the weather. The sky is color gray. Looks like a rain is brewing. And yes, it started raining just as I was mentioning how gray it is. There's no doubt on how colder the Christmas this year is getting. Must be global warming... And have you heard? Ice crystals are forming in Baguio. I wonder how long it will take until actual snow would start to fall...
