I am not into ranting today. I am actually into contemplation, and a little bit of day dreaming. And a little into thoughts of the future. Too many information overwhelms me, and this entry attempts to try and organize in those little colorful shelves in my brain all the thoughts and emotions pertaining to each.
First one is the fact that: Inferiority hits hard. --- All of us feel a little low once in a while. Confidence fluctuates and feelings of being inadequate flows like a water to a dipper that very slowly drains at the bottom. I unknowingly feed in all those emotions and it never seem too obvious to catch my attention, until now.
I still haven't finished cleaning my room since I started throwing things to the floor last December 23. I lost my Canon Powershot D10 within the similar time line, and the possibility of getting another one seems gloomy. And it can only get far too gloomy for me when it comes to the thought that I'd get a DSLR in exchange. Money doesn't grow on trees, you know.
Then on further self-examination I noticed how I obsessed on DSLR specs and anything related to photography. I took out the old DVD volumes of Star Trek:Voyager from its safe shelf and started rummaging through its 7 seasons of glorified adventures in the uncharted space of the Delta Quadrant of the Milky Way (or whatever that is). I lose sleep and insomnia seems to have taken over my evenings. I find myself lost in each episode until it's already 2AM but still, there's nothing even as provocative as a yawn. I became an evening person because I didn't want to make contact or conversations. I am asleep in the mornings when I should have been an all-around errand girl for my movement-limited Mom and slightly obnoxious Dad. No wonder, the thought of throwing me out of the house again through some brawl with my Dad will be such an entertainment for him.
If only they knew how my neural pathways seem to drown in thoughts of uncertainty and insufficiency, maybe they'll back off a little. Or maybe not. Well, obviously they will not. Or simply put, they couldn't read me just as I have been failing to read me until now.
All my actions mentioned above are actions of a classic escapist. All boils down to a state of avoidance.
I avoided reality because I wanted something else. I watched Star Trek because Sci-Fi has always been notorious in presenting stories of "what could have been's" and "what might be's". I sleep in the morning because I am ashamed of a day passing with lost opportunities of me doing the things I might have wanted to have done. It could have been a day at a literary class thinking and brainstorming for fiction plots. It could have been a day for me taking shots after shots of swaying trees, of languid colors of emotion and events of distinction. It could have been a day in a hospital as I help patients get well as my career gain points through experience. It could have been a day passing as I climb each rock that strengthens my limbs as I reach the sky and breathe the mountaintop air.
I am such a free spirit and living caged like this is killing me with each deep slumber.
I could have been out there seeing the world as it is, what it could have been and what it might be.
Well, this isn't just my time yet. I lack the luxury of resources to finance and execute my adventures. Maybe it just should be placed in a year-plan-notebook or a life-plan-notebook of some sort. Or whatever.
To be continued...
First one is the fact that: Inferiority hits hard. --- All of us feel a little low once in a while. Confidence fluctuates and feelings of being inadequate flows like a water to a dipper that very slowly drains at the bottom. I unknowingly feed in all those emotions and it never seem too obvious to catch my attention, until now.
I still haven't finished cleaning my room since I started throwing things to the floor last December 23. I lost my Canon Powershot D10 within the similar time line, and the possibility of getting another one seems gloomy. And it can only get far too gloomy for me when it comes to the thought that I'd get a DSLR in exchange. Money doesn't grow on trees, you know.
Then on further self-examination I noticed how I obsessed on DSLR specs and anything related to photography. I took out the old DVD volumes of Star Trek:Voyager from its safe shelf and started rummaging through its 7 seasons of glorified adventures in the uncharted space of the Delta Quadrant of the Milky Way (or whatever that is). I lose sleep and insomnia seems to have taken over my evenings. I find myself lost in each episode until it's already 2AM but still, there's nothing even as provocative as a yawn. I became an evening person because I didn't want to make contact or conversations. I am asleep in the mornings when I should have been an all-around errand girl for my movement-limited Mom and slightly obnoxious Dad. No wonder, the thought of throwing me out of the house again through some brawl with my Dad will be such an entertainment for him.
If only they knew how my neural pathways seem to drown in thoughts of uncertainty and insufficiency, maybe they'll back off a little. Or maybe not. Well, obviously they will not. Or simply put, they couldn't read me just as I have been failing to read me until now.
All my actions mentioned above are actions of a classic escapist. All boils down to a state of avoidance.
I avoided reality because I wanted something else. I watched Star Trek because Sci-Fi has always been notorious in presenting stories of "what could have been's" and "what might be's". I sleep in the morning because I am ashamed of a day passing with lost opportunities of me doing the things I might have wanted to have done. It could have been a day at a literary class thinking and brainstorming for fiction plots. It could have been a day for me taking shots after shots of swaying trees, of languid colors of emotion and events of distinction. It could have been a day in a hospital as I help patients get well as my career gain points through experience. It could have been a day passing as I climb each rock that strengthens my limbs as I reach the sky and breathe the mountaintop air.
I am such a free spirit and living caged like this is killing me with each deep slumber.
I could have been out there seeing the world as it is, what it could have been and what it might be.
Well, this isn't just my time yet. I lack the luxury of resources to finance and execute my adventures. Maybe it just should be placed in a year-plan-notebook or a life-plan-notebook of some sort. Or whatever.
To be continued...
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Linggo, Enero 10, 2010 nang 11:11 PM
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