You see the darkness and you feel it eat you away. Everyday, little by little, until your dream to see the light appears like vague blisters in time. You fight it. You fight it hard because you have seen it coming. You have seen a future that you actually believe to have started happening. You actually believe you are destined to burn, crash, then die. Certain things may delay it, but you know---with no one to look behind you, with no one to wish you well, with vultures waiting you demonstrate fragility, with scavengers waiting for your fall --- you are bound to be eaten away by the void you wish so much to get away from.
You have known nothing but darkness. You have heard nothing but your voice, making an appeal for sanity. You watch events transpire before you, hoping that each one unfolds to give you better reason to hope for a different future. You use judgement and tucked your emotions in your pocket. You think that the darkness was too dreadful to share. That the baggage was made for you to be that heavy. You endured and you succeeded. But you know, the thread is becoming as vulnerable and shorter as you are becoming. A time will come that it'll break. Only you have to decide whether you cut yourself loose or you wait for it to break as it breaks you...
You have verbalized your desire to be washed up, to be clean, to be better than what you think you see in yourself. You hope for a better future. You have seen light sparkle like a tiny bubble bursting into nothingness. That split second gave you a lighter perspective. For a split second you believed you can get out of the darkness that envelops you. Until reality sets in again.
The curse of survival is endurance. You thought that maybe you were against destiny when you lived. Other people were made for greatness, you battle with your mind that maybe you were made to merely survive.
You have a tendency to exhaust the very few support that you have. You know that they are at some point entitled to get tired of you, the very same principle you have seen happen when the very people who should have been there for you initiated the steps they took very lightly when they left. You have felt too much since then. You were forced to grow up faster than you should. That void was strewn with strange pebbles of a much darker emotion that you have known nothing about before. You bore anger and they wondered why you had it in your heart. You started resenting yourself for being abandoned and regret every single decision you allowed them to make. You wished that you should have been more selfish and acted more like the little child that you were. You should have acted out instead of allowing them to be free. You let them get away for their mistakes never thinking that it'll take its toll on you at some point in the future.
Because right now you are lost, and conflicted. No one is claiming you for their own. You cannot call your house your home because it had been said that you shouldn't have been there. It has been said that you have burdened them for too long. Maybe they could have lived more lightly without the heavier burden that was you...
You tried proving yourself worthy and you gave them everything they asked of you. You forgot how it was to dream of who you will become when you grow up and exchanged it for who you know they wish you to become just so they would be happy. You traded your dream for acceptance until slowly, you start thinking that others are much more worthy of the good things in life, that you could always settle for less. Until slowly you grew ashamed and inferior.
Scavengers and vultures envy you for being pampered in the void. They might have though that you enjoyed the silence, that its comfortable. They might have thought that the abundance was a privilege that should have been theirs if you had not lived. If only they knew that on the other side of the void, the silence meant neglect, that the abundance were produce that you have to pay with your life. They did not know that you have lost too much of yourself just to show gratitude yet all that you are to them is a dense, thick-faced, selfish ingrate who knew nothing but prosperity, who took more than you deserve. What was sad was that you have those scavengers and vultures for blood relatives. So you think, maybe, you really were not meant for any better. Just like them. Just like what they say.
The battle to get out of the void is yours alone. You mastered to keep things to yourself. You have grown to be on your own for your own. You had little triumphs they didn't know and care so much about. You battle against indifference and you endured alone. No words of advise but your insights. No words of comfort, nor gestures that demonstrated empathy, sympathy or support. You are on your own. You had to be on your own.
Ideals are something you cannot share. Realizations are to be kept. Dreams are to be succumbed for their vision. You know that the longer you stay in the void, you are losing more of yourself to offer to the world.
You are no different to a hero vying for freedom, to a martyr wishing to be saved, to a fairy-tale princess longing for that happily-ever-after. Only, you have no army, no savior, no fairy godmother. The battle is yours alone to fight and win. The triumph will be the venue for another battle for you to survive after. The same scavengers and vultures will wait up patiently to see you fail in your newly found freedom and will laugh at your face for being the failure that you will be, for your mistakes even before you make them. They will not be satisfied until you are forced to get back to the void for abundance and comfort. When that time comes, they will be spitting on your remaining dignity and will be tearing you harder than they already had before to break you to a finer broken shards of debris that you are.
So if that decision to loose yourself free shall be made, it has to be with all your strength and with all faithfulness to the Lord that you can do it. The parting of ways shall elevate the bar from your lowered belief for survival towards a search for a meaningful life. Leaving the void should mean freedom rather than another mistake at decision making. You will have to abandon all your ways when its time to leave, for that's the goal of the rebellion. You know that you don't want to be alone, but who knows who might be out there waiting for you to gather your strength to come shooting out of the darkness to learn to live again and reconnect to the vast universe of humanity that you attempted to suppress.
While you're fighting the battle, maybe all you really need is an immensely brilliant star shinning steadily in the firmament to look up to, to envision to become and follow, to embody hope and all the right reasons to emerge victorious. Hope, my friend, never lose it.
You have known nothing but darkness. You have heard nothing but your voice, making an appeal for sanity. You watch events transpire before you, hoping that each one unfolds to give you better reason to hope for a different future. You use judgement and tucked your emotions in your pocket. You think that the darkness was too dreadful to share. That the baggage was made for you to be that heavy. You endured and you succeeded. But you know, the thread is becoming as vulnerable and shorter as you are becoming. A time will come that it'll break. Only you have to decide whether you cut yourself loose or you wait for it to break as it breaks you...
You have verbalized your desire to be washed up, to be clean, to be better than what you think you see in yourself. You hope for a better future. You have seen light sparkle like a tiny bubble bursting into nothingness. That split second gave you a lighter perspective. For a split second you believed you can get out of the darkness that envelops you. Until reality sets in again.
The curse of survival is endurance. You thought that maybe you were against destiny when you lived. Other people were made for greatness, you battle with your mind that maybe you were made to merely survive.
You have a tendency to exhaust the very few support that you have. You know that they are at some point entitled to get tired of you, the very same principle you have seen happen when the very people who should have been there for you initiated the steps they took very lightly when they left. You have felt too much since then. You were forced to grow up faster than you should. That void was strewn with strange pebbles of a much darker emotion that you have known nothing about before. You bore anger and they wondered why you had it in your heart. You started resenting yourself for being abandoned and regret every single decision you allowed them to make. You wished that you should have been more selfish and acted more like the little child that you were. You should have acted out instead of allowing them to be free. You let them get away for their mistakes never thinking that it'll take its toll on you at some point in the future.
Because right now you are lost, and conflicted. No one is claiming you for their own. You cannot call your house your home because it had been said that you shouldn't have been there. It has been said that you have burdened them for too long. Maybe they could have lived more lightly without the heavier burden that was you...
You tried proving yourself worthy and you gave them everything they asked of you. You forgot how it was to dream of who you will become when you grow up and exchanged it for who you know they wish you to become just so they would be happy. You traded your dream for acceptance until slowly, you start thinking that others are much more worthy of the good things in life, that you could always settle for less. Until slowly you grew ashamed and inferior.
Scavengers and vultures envy you for being pampered in the void. They might have though that you enjoyed the silence, that its comfortable. They might have thought that the abundance was a privilege that should have been theirs if you had not lived. If only they knew that on the other side of the void, the silence meant neglect, that the abundance were produce that you have to pay with your life. They did not know that you have lost too much of yourself just to show gratitude yet all that you are to them is a dense, thick-faced, selfish ingrate who knew nothing but prosperity, who took more than you deserve. What was sad was that you have those scavengers and vultures for blood relatives. So you think, maybe, you really were not meant for any better. Just like them. Just like what they say.
The battle to get out of the void is yours alone. You mastered to keep things to yourself. You have grown to be on your own for your own. You had little triumphs they didn't know and care so much about. You battle against indifference and you endured alone. No words of advise but your insights. No words of comfort, nor gestures that demonstrated empathy, sympathy or support. You are on your own. You had to be on your own.
Ideals are something you cannot share. Realizations are to be kept. Dreams are to be succumbed for their vision. You know that the longer you stay in the void, you are losing more of yourself to offer to the world.
You are no different to a hero vying for freedom, to a martyr wishing to be saved, to a fairy-tale princess longing for that happily-ever-after. Only, you have no army, no savior, no fairy godmother. The battle is yours alone to fight and win. The triumph will be the venue for another battle for you to survive after. The same scavengers and vultures will wait up patiently to see you fail in your newly found freedom and will laugh at your face for being the failure that you will be, for your mistakes even before you make them. They will not be satisfied until you are forced to get back to the void for abundance and comfort. When that time comes, they will be spitting on your remaining dignity and will be tearing you harder than they already had before to break you to a finer broken shards of debris that you are.
So if that decision to loose yourself free shall be made, it has to be with all your strength and with all faithfulness to the Lord that you can do it. The parting of ways shall elevate the bar from your lowered belief for survival towards a search for a meaningful life. Leaving the void should mean freedom rather than another mistake at decision making. You will have to abandon all your ways when its time to leave, for that's the goal of the rebellion. You know that you don't want to be alone, but who knows who might be out there waiting for you to gather your strength to come shooting out of the darkness to learn to live again and reconnect to the vast universe of humanity that you attempted to suppress.
While you're fighting the battle, maybe all you really need is an immensely brilliant star shinning steadily in the firmament to look up to, to envision to become and follow, to embody hope and all the right reasons to emerge victorious. Hope, my friend, never lose it.
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Linggo, Marso 07, 2010 nang 8:59 PM
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