In a State of Flux I

I am not into ranting today. I am actually into contemplation, and a little bit of day dreaming. And a little into thoughts of the future. Too many information overwhelms me, and this entry attempts to try and organize in those little colorful shelves in my brain all the thoughts and emotions pertaining to each.

First one is the fact that: Inferiority hits hard. --- All of us feel a little low once in a while. Confidence fluctuates and feelings of being inadequate flows like a water to a dipper that very slowly drains at the bottom. I unknowingly feed in all those emotions and it never seem too obvious to catch my attention, until now.

I still haven't finished cleaning my room since I started throwing things to the floor last December 23. I lost my Canon Powershot D10 within the similar time line, and the possibility of getting another one seems gloomy. And it can only get far too gloomy for me when it comes to the thought that I'd get a DSLR in exchange. Money doesn't grow on trees, you know.

Then on further self-examination I noticed how I obsessed on DSLR specs and anything related to photography. I took out the old DVD volumes of Star Trek:Voyager from its safe shelf and started rummaging through its 7 seasons of glorified adventures in the uncharted space of the Delta Quadrant of the Milky Way (or whatever that is). I lose sleep and insomnia seems to have taken over my evenings. I find myself lost in each episode until it's already 2AM but still, there's nothing even as provocative as a yawn. I became an evening person because I didn't want to make contact or conversations. I am asleep in the mornings when I should have been an all-around errand girl for my movement-limited Mom and slightly obnoxious Dad. No wonder, the thought of throwing me out of the house again through some brawl with my Dad will be such an entertainment for him.

If only they knew how my neural pathways seem to drown in thoughts of uncertainty and insufficiency, maybe they'll back off a little. Or maybe not. Well, obviously they will not. Or simply put, they couldn't read me just as I have been failing to read me until now.

All my actions mentioned above are actions of a classic escapist. All boils down to a state of avoidance.

I avoided reality because I wanted something else. I watched Star Trek because Sci-Fi has always been notorious in presenting stories of "what could have been's" and "what might be's". I sleep in the morning because I am ashamed of a day passing with lost opportunities of me doing the things I might have wanted to have done. It could have been a day at a literary class thinking and brainstorming for fiction plots. It could have been a day for me taking shots after shots of swaying trees, of languid colors of emotion and events of distinction. It could have been a day in a hospital as I help patients get well as my career gain points through experience. It could have been a day passing as I climb each rock that strengthens my limbs as I reach the sky and breathe the mountaintop air.

I am such a free spirit and living caged like this is killing me with each deep slumber.

I could have been out there seeing the world as it is, what it could have been and what it might be.

Well, this isn't just my time yet. I lack the luxury of resources to finance and execute my adventures. Maybe it just should be placed in a year-plan-notebook or a life-plan-notebook of some sort. Or whatever.

To be continued...

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Linggo, Enero 10, 2010 nang 11:11 PM

http://www.facebook.com/mlraymundo?v=app_2347471856#!/notes/mariel-liza-m-raymundo/in-a-state-of-flux-i/270827398412

Life as it is and Life as we (or as I) know it.

This is more like an entry to ponder on certain things, unlike my previous rants. There are a lot in my head at the moment that it all seem to consume me. And it felt like, I allowed it to be so only to let time pass regardless of its quality.

Right now, I am not overly happy. Everything is just alright and I am okay. But I am not happy in being okay. I want something extraordinary. I want something inspiring. I want a lot of things I can’t seem to grasp right now.

It’s like everything in life is about waiting: waiting for the right moment to come, waiting for somebody’s consent on how you’ll live your life, waiting for a certain event that will turn your world upside down to set things right.

Life is overrated.

Love is overrated.

Friendship is just as overrated.

Fine.

Maybe I don’t really mean it. Maybe it’s just me expecting so much from myself and not accomplishing it all right now is crushing me.

The gaining age part is just as heartbreaking. I am growing old and I am still not going anywhere. Yes, quarter life crisis or whatever… I am frustrated with my lack of back bone. I am tolerating the status quo and I’m fine with it (something that made me want to be ashamed of myself).

Life is not supposed to be hard. It’s just that I always make it so. I set up high standards for achievement. I always expect more from myself. I make greatness a goal. I try to inspire as many as I can towards the same goal… but there are times when my own standard and goal for greatness catches up to me. Then, it will eat me up whole as I find more people who can effortlessly achieve and stand out.

I always have to prove something. There are people who don’t have to.

I always have to work hard to deserve the things that I have. Still, there are people who get things with no sweat.

Life can be unfair. There are people who are supposed to be behind you but then overtake and mercilessly leave you behind. Can be because they have the power, they have the connection or that they simply can do such things. Life is not so much like a beach. It’s more like a predatory safari. It’s as if Charles Darwin got it all right the very first time.

Realization: I am just as hard to myself as I am to everyone else. There’s more to life. And, patience is a virtue. Then, add up perseverance, have a little more faith, think of the Muse (who doesn’t seem to know who I am). And oh, remember: Ut In Omnibus Glorificatur Dei --- That in all things (I’ll do), God may be glorified; Greatness is the goal; make Morality the standard.

Rise above.

Just, rise above.

Even if what it has to be is taking one painful step at a time, then so be it.

So be it.

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Lunes, Nobyembre 16, 2009 nang 5:02 PM

http://www.facebook.com/mlraymundo?v=app_2347471856#!/notes/mariel-liza-m-raymundo/life-as-it-is-and-life-as-we-or-as-i-know-it/202718668412

Happy Birthday, Ms Chin Chin Gutierrez

Happy birthday po, idol.
Basta, galingan mo lagi.
Marami kaming masaya pag napapanood ka.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blEr2WTsIWQ

Always.
:D

Scuttlebutt

Chin Chin gives a statement about incident in soap

By SHIRLEY MATIAS-PIZARRO

November 6, 2009, 3:33pm

It makes me sad to hear about what happened on the set of “Dahil May Isang Ikaw” involving Ms. Lorna Tolentino and Chin Chin Gutierrez. It makes me even sadder to hear about the repercussions of the said incident.

We heard that both actresses got hurt while acting on a confrontation scene, but from the looks of it, it was Ms. LT who got hurt more, emerging from the scene bruised and blue, losing a few strands of hair that got caught in Chin Chin’s ring. Chin Chin, for her part, had a bruised leg to show for the unfortunate “accident.”

Because of this, we have been told that LT, allegedly traumatized from the violent confrontation, is now having second thoughts about wanting to do a scene with Chin Chin again.

What Lorna feels bad about is that some people outside of the issue tend to be so quick to judge, saying that it was just a gimmick that they have concocted to drum up publicity for the top-rating soap opera on ABS-CBN. She was quoted as saying (to this effect), “I’ve been in this business for a long time now. I don’t need this kind of publicity stunt to be controversial. I don’t want this issue to escalate that’s why I refuse to talk about it.”

We spoke with our friend Anjie Ureta, Chin’s manager about this, and she told us that Chin Chin is very very sad about what happened and expresses her heartfelt apology to Ms. LT for the accident.

What pricked our heart is that she was even asking us for suggestions, any idea on how they can make things better for Lorna, an actress that Chin Chin has so much respect for, and how they can show her how bad they truly feel for being hurt in that scene.

She told me, “no one planned for that to happen. But to be sorry for something unintentional is not enough and somehow we know and we understand how Ms. LT must be feeling right now.”

Ms. LT is one of our most favorite superstars in this business because she is a very nice person. We always love being around her during the times we worked together on some publicity projects. On the other hand, Anjie and Chin have been our friends for decades now (especially Anjie) and we know them to be people with good hearts, very spiritual and very peace-loving.

We asked for a copy of Chin Chin’s statement and we’re printing it below in full. We can only pray that this matter will be put to rest and that love with prevail above all else.

November 5, 2009

It is in the spirit of peace, clarity and healing that we are now addressing the unfortunate accident involving our artist, Ms Chin-Chin Gutierrez, and Ms. Lorna Tolentino, which transpired while taping an episode of their television program last week. We reaffirm that the accident was purely unintentional and occurred in the presence of the location heads in-charge of production. She has sincerely apologized to Ms. Tolentino from the moment that she realized the resulting injury after the take and personally assisted her in seeking professionally advised first aid intervention. Recognizing that apologies may not be enough to console her respected colleague, Ms. Gutierrez had indeed sought Ms. Tolentino’s permission to pray together, trusting that the Divine Healer will not only soothe away the physical hurt but also whatever unseen wound in their relationship that may arise from the tense situation.

Ms. Gutierrez wishes to express: “With all humility, I wish to give the best thing I can give now -- to witness to the truth of fraternal love. Keeping peace and being peace are more important than raising my voice to clear my name. The well-being of Ms. Lorna Tolentino is foremost in my mind at the moment, equalled only by my concern for the program. I firmly believe it is Truth in Love that casts out all fear and makes all things new. I remain faithful to the inner goodness in every person shining through, which allows for the restoration of relationships through the graces of faith, forgiveness and prayer for one another.”

We thank everyone who has maintained understanding and sobriety in the face of this unfortunate accident. We share in the deeper aspiration of many voices, heard and unheard, that the matter finds its peaceful and just resolution.

Sincerely yours, Anjie Ureta Artist Manager representing Chin-Chin Gutierrez

SOURCE: http://www.mb.com.ph/articles/228205/chin-chin-gives-a-statement-about-incident-soap

My Chin Chin Gutierrez Defense (My Call for People to be Rational)

I have points that I want to stress out after I read a lot about this issue that stressed me out at some point as well. Baka kasi isipin ng mga tao, because hindi nag rereact pa si Ms. Chin Chin at kokonti lang kami na nagdedefend sa kanya e, pwede na ‘tong nangyayari. This is all exaggerated publicity trying to kill off or destroy Ms. Chin Chin Guttierez’s career. Who’d say that this is hallow assumption? Then, why the hell do you think this destructive publicity came out? Na lahat ng written article about this issue placed Ms. Chin Chin as the bad person who has gone mad?

I just have to say this, I used to respect LT. Now I don’t. I have lost all respect there is for her (as an actress or whatever she wants to place herself as). And that’s partly because of a few of her nagging fans who threw at Chin Chin insults that are below the belt as one Loranian had put it in defending her own idol.

In all Ms. Chin Chin’s life in showbiz, did something like this ever happen before? Nagreklamo ba yung mga nakaeksena nya at nasaktan sa run ng MSKM? Nagsalita ba si Chin Chin ever about herself being hurt? Did anyone ever hear her say a bad thing about anyone? Reality check, people. Objective ako na tao. Yes, I like Chin Chin (and I used to like LT), but it’s not going to be difficult for me to stop defending her if she had been all wrong at this. I’d be more than willing to keep my silence kung gano’n.

The truth is that she’s not at all like the person that the wrongful adjectives in the forum pertained her to be.

POINT #1: CALLING SOMEONE WEIRD BECAUSE YOU LACK UNDERSTANDING DOES NOT ELEVATE YOU FROM WHAT YOU TRULY ARE, THAT IS, IGNORANT.Calling Chin Chin “Krung-krung” or crazy is never anyone’s right. Kilalanin nyo muna yung tao bago nyo husgahan. Alamin nyo kung ano yung standpoint nya sa buhay at kung ano ang tingin nya sa iyo at baka mahiya ka sa sarili mo. The woman is beyond anyone. Her take on things are far more sensible than Lolit, Ricky Lo and any other tabloid writer with credibility cases on their laps.

I’m calling out as a human being, don’t judge when you don’t understand because the judge places himself/herself in the seat of ignorance for being arrogant to think that they are better off being a judge than a learner.

It’s Jesus Christ’s Golden Rule all over again.

POINT #2: The current issue is that Chin Chin OVERREACTED and INTENTIONALLY hurt LT, other people would say.
Baka masabi nyo na out of context ako. Alam ko po yung issue. Sabi sa mga article, nadala daw si Chin Chin sa eksena at tumodo yung pananakit nya. Kesyo di daw natanggal yung sing sing at nagkapasa si LT sa mamahalin nyang mukha (at may kalmot pa). Hindi po ako bulag sa issue. Nabasa ko yung mga pinopost dito na (mga) article ng mga members na gustong gawing malaking issue to at pag-awayin ang mga fans. At hindi ko idedeny na “gimik” lang ang take ko dito nung una and that there’s no truth in this. I still believe its gimik. But then, I am starting to believe na there’s some truth in this when I read somewhere na nag-sorry si Ms. Chin Chin.

After knowing somewhere na nag sorry daw siya and reading somewhere else that she has been mocked at her humility is just OUTRIGHT WRONG. Isipin nyo naman yung ginagawa ng mga writers na yun dun sa tao. If you had known her, being humble is one quality that she has that you will definitely admire. Never siya makikipagpataasan ng ihi with anyone. She’d say good things about other people. Only if you’d read more of her interviews on sensible magazines than reading those tabloid crap that has to use almost naked women on the cover for some petty 5 or 6 pesos.

Have you heard na lumaban siya? Did she even try to defend herself? Did she throw defensive comments to those biased writers? I have the answer. No. Nor she denied that she apologized. And showing humility is a point gained by her.

Next thing we heard is that she cried on what was written. I don’t know if there’s some truth to that. But again, if you had known her, (on my take) I believe that she’d come to that breaking point at some time. But did she call a press conference and cried at their faces to get people’s sympathy? Did she outright get herself interviewed to disprove LT’s accusation and complained about her “P.I”-ing her? Again, I have the answer. No. So far, she has been the one who faced this issue with dignity and grace, two qualities that are never a bad thing to possess.

I know someone who had been there during the shoot and I have unquestionable faith on her tale. She saw it happen; nung nag fail yung director to shout “Cut!”, nung nag fail ang production team to check on the actors before the fight scene and remind them to remove anything that would accidentally hurt their actors, nung nag fail sila to make the right call to stop the scene for safety’s sake.

To think, LT could always step back if she thought that the catfight scene was too much for her. Ano ba naman yung few films passed for her safety? Bad take? So what, safe naman yung mukha nya. If Chin Chin really did overreacted, I am sure na by LT stepping back for safety’s refuge, she’d come to her senses if it was too much.

And its crap to say na victim si LT dito. Chin Chin’s and her manager’s silence does not mean all the information that was out was taken correctly. Check out the sentence construction. Know the writers. Question the credibility of the papers and sites or blogs you read articles from. Be at least critical.

One thing that was written that offended me more was that na-weirduhan daw si LT nang nag pray si Chin Chin with her after she apologized. People who would agree that it’s really a weird thing to do does not have a spiritual foundation rooted correctly. People who would think that praying for you is weird but then being cursed is common is in a dark and twisted place. Mas gugustuhin ko naman na i-pray over ako ni Chin and bury this issue kesa sabihin ko na “OK lang ako” and “I forgive you” tapos maglalabas ako ng mga inconsistent comments sa press. After all, in the end, hindi naman pala OK lang lahat. It’s just wrong. Now, you should see bakit nila ginagawa ‘to kay Chin Chin.

The issue about “trauma” is just… I wouldn’t even honor it with a longer paragraph.

POINT #3: A WOMAN DOES NOT OBSCURE HER BEAUTY BY CALLING ATTENTION TO HER IMPERFECTIONS.

She talks to plants and trees.

So what?

I talk to my cats and dogs. I talk to a baby who coos and poops with no indication if I am even understood. I talk to God, not waiting for a reply or an indication that He is even listening. I talk to people like you, hoping to knock some sense out of your head. Our ancestors talked to Anito’s of wood and stone. We talk to images of Mama Mary and Jesus Christ. We talk to ourselves, even loudly at times.

How different is she to us?

Lolit and Co. should start talking to plants and trees also. It might save them a few bucks for psychiatric therapy and their attention-seeking behaviors. You are not the ones to destroy her trend of good reputation for being Time Magazine’s Asian Hero with this crap.

People are saying OA ang atake nya. Then stop writing something OA for her. Keep her out of contrabida roles if they think iisa lang ang atake niya sa role like what she did as Doña Corazon. Reinvent writing for her, magaling na artista yung tao. Sana nga she stayed in May Bukas Pa na lang kesa she was pulled out of it for DMII (which I am starting to dislike, dahil for me… it is becoming predictable and the flashback scenes are becoming too much of a formula. Wala pa akong napanood sa soap na ‘to na di ko pa nakita sa iba---I am entitled for my opinion on this one.).

If I don’t like Chin Chin that much, I wouldn’t even be watching that show. And if Rosalinda hadn’t been too distasteful, I would definitely be watching it. Mas gusto ko pa nga ang PBB as of now e. And yes, I must admit, if it wasn’t for Tessa and Patricia’s conflict, I really wouldn’t bother. Jaime is just too weak…

Back to my point, Chin Chin’s inner and outer beauty is never obscured by the faults other people find about her. You must know for one that other people could find thousand of wrong things about you and judge you for one mistake mercilessly but in the end, it is the contents of your heart that will be judged. Not by mere mortals who can get easily be lured out by wrong and malicious information, but by the God of truth and justice.

You’d hurt for her too if you know who Chin Chin Gutierrez really is.

I will end my entry as Ria has put it, “For the Battle is the Lord’s…” 1Sam 17:47. I’ll wait up for Ms. Chin Chin and her manager’s words on this. I now refuse to take in anymore of this crap.

Chin Chin won me over on this case, her grace and humility is admirable. Her silence over this is regal.

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To your knowledge, my name is Mariel, and address me only if you have something sensible to say.

Bored to Death

So, I'm all alone in our house sitting in front of the laptop since the early hour of the day (not to mention that this is the same scenario yesterday), talking to online buddies, posting entries for forums and created an account for myspace (In which feeling ko ay hindi ko nanaman ma-me-maintain. Just like my friendster account.).

I am waiting for the carpenter who would deliver a new sofa-bed. Ewan ko naman kung san nanaman nila (namely, Mommy and Daddy) ilalagay yun. Considering na may dalawang set na kami ng sofa sa napakaliit na living room namin. I did not attend the yoga class I enrolled myself in. I was afraid na if I would attend, I will miss the coming of the delivery van and I will be caught (that I enrolled myself in something I did not consulted them with).

Haaaay, its frustrating that in my age, they still WANT to make decisions for me! It felt like my growth as an independent human being is being retarded by their desire to control every aspect of my life. I have grown extremely comfortable in that situation. That is why, every step further from our house is freaking me out (I don't even know the end of the bus route that pass by our place.) Social situations numbs me. Meeting new people and being in a new situation makes me feel uncomfortable. I think I'm developing Asperger's Syndrome!

Every decision making revolves around what Mom wants. Like what time should I be home, just how much I should spend for the things that I want, what events I can attend, what activities I can engage myself into... It's pathetic. And miserable.

Dad makes adjustments for her. I have to make adjustments for both of them. One of these days it'll get really exhausting.

My Mom had a stroke... really, really mild heat stroke. So mild she wouldn't have noticed the symptoms if she had not heard the doctor tell her so. After that, the regression started. She always wanted people around her (as if people should know what she wants and needs without her telling them). She had become very demanding. She complains about things she can't control, and even we can't control. She bothers herself with nonsense and in effect nags us with it. She blames us not taking care of her (as if we don't take care of her---she doesn't even bathe alone anymore!) is the reason why she got sick. And she can get on and on complaining... Sometimes she's like a kid giggling over stupid jokes. She enjoys the attention that Dad is giving her (that is treating her like a child---always in need of assistance, baby talking.) It's our responsibility, of course. But this caregiver role could be exhausting.

I am holding my life on pause. I never spent sleep overs with close friends. I don't even seem to have lots of close friends! I did not go out on gigs with them. I never stayed out late until midnight (I can't even be not home before 4PM) because I know she wouldn't be able to sleep or rest until I'm home. I am confined in what she wants and what this family can take from me. This family always comes in priority. I have always tried to be good, because I shouldn't be here. I was adopted. I wasn't supposed to be their responsibility. I owe them big time.

If I would go on tackling the topic on how much I hate my biological father in this entry, it could go on forever. So, I'd save this for another entry.

Point is, with me having graduated college, I have to start learning things that's out there. I am ashamed of how I live my life. Always following orders... I don't know how I would make them understand that I have to try and stand up on my own. Because if I wouldn't be able to do this now, then later would be too late. Later, I'd have greater responsibilities on my shoulders and every weight that it'll gain will paralyze me in horror and confusion. For once, I needed to be my person for me. They got to let me go sometime soon. They raised me well, they should be confident enough to let me go. But the thing is, it can't come from me. It has to come from them, or at least an incident should happen to make them realize that I had to be free. I had to be let go.

You can't imagine for how much guilt I would have to live with my whole life if I would be the one to insist moving out. Besides, I know that if I would even try that I would be the ungrateful adopted daughter who refused to pay back my debts by taking care of the woman who picked me up from a trashed life. I got to at least try to find a way to balance all these. *sighs*

One thing about being adopted is that with your past, you would think that you don't deserve the things that you're getting. That somehow, you ALWAYS have to make yourself worthy. Worthy of freedon, worthy of a good life, worthy of other people's love, attention and time... It'll be a struggle to prove (or wanting to prove) that you're deserving of all the good things that you're getting. That every time, some time soon, you have to pay them back. (And, yes. I noticed the sudden shift of POV from 1st to 2nd. It's something psych.)

I started the entry whining about being bored. Now, I'd end it with the weather. The sky is color gray. Looks like a rain is brewing. And yes, it started raining just as I was mentioning how gray it is. There's no doubt on how colder the Christmas this year is getting. Must be global warming... And have you heard? Ice crystals are forming in Baguio. I wonder how long it will take until actual snow would start to fall...

LapTop Lodges, muwahahhaaaaaaaa... and God's Goodness

Who would hav thought that I would get an Acer Aspire4710 LapTop in exchange of my 1G Phillips USB/MP3 Player? My Dad so, sooooo rocks. Generosity definitely paid off! He also got himself a Lenovo mini-laptop. Good for him. Good for me, too. I feel elated.

Anyway, I just finished a review session with my friends, Pot and Rina. Sobrang lapit na ng board exam. Hindi na rin ako makapag-aral kasi gustong gusto ko na mag-exam para matapos na. Sabi ko nga, bahala na si Lord kasi siya naman ang mag-dedecide kung worthy ba talaga ako pumasa. Basta magpe-prepare na lang ako... E di kung saan na lang ang makayanan ko, gano'n na lang.

I promised Him that I will prepare the best way that I can, then I'll lift the fight up to His hands. Life is not supposed to be so hard. Even Jesus told us to lay our burdens to Him. It wouldn't hurt to seek help. I know that He'd still love me no matter what.

Pero feeling ko talaga papasa ako (ayan, conviction ba ang gusto n'yo? Sounds like yabang, haha). Kidding aside, I am not going to sulk over something I couldn't accomplish. Maybe I am just destined to accomplish something much greater (or something like that). As I have said, I will lift it up to His hands. Bahala na Siya. I am not in the position to doubt Him even for just one second. So, with conviction I will say: PAPASA AKO. 1 TAKE LANG.