Truly, I'm in the mood weaving dreams since two nights ago while I was reading some nursing job opportunities available both inside and outside the country.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaay, natutuwa ako sa sarili ko na nag-start na ulit ako mangarap. Wala lang, nakakatuwa lang. I used to have stopped dreaming since I realized I don't have control over my affairs and decision-makings. That some people whose irresistable power over me I cannot fight back or even just refuse. That they had laid my life ahead of me and my only task was to make it happen in accordance to their timeline. I realized that I can do nothing more to kick them out of my system and that I have no rights to cut them off my affairs... They are, after all, the ones who feed me, send me to school, gave me a shelter when my own family had decided on abandoning me. They picked me out from the litter and I am in no position to show ingratitude in any way.
Childhood Dreams and Ambitions: I can still remember what kind of ambitions I used to have when I was little. I used to have this shelf with stuff toys in it. I would often play teacher or doctor with them. Madalas ako'ng gumamit ng mga mechanical pencils to pretend that it was a syringe and used to inject my dolls with it then perform a surgery on them or someting. I used to discuss my day's assignment to that shelf of toys pretending to have asked them a question for recitation soon after I played doctor. Then later on I would lull my favorite doll, Jennifer, to sleep with my own created lyrics of strange melodies I myself had invented. Then I traced, even at that young age I was already into creating something artistic. I draw clothes and design them. Even, I have started weaving stories and made character profiles unconsciously with my Barbie. I planned her life, her tragedy and struggles---I was already a story-teller. Not a writer, but a creator. No wonder I was so in love with TV shows, tragic characters and the like. Also, I used to talk to myself when I was young that served as story-lines and conversations in my Barbie story. No wonder. [On another note: Well, maybe that's what really happned to loner kids who couldn't get out and couldn't get friends to come over to play with. I was alone most of the time when I was young. Kind a gave me the feeling that I wasn't someone the other kids would like to hang out with----the way I look and all, you know].
Gifted: I never considered myself gifted until I was in high school. I won my first medal when I was chosen to join a debate [while I was absent] when I was in first year and, a week later, actually have won it against the Sophomores. It was my first gold. Then a few others came... Silver for collage-making then a Bronze for Essay writing contest in Filipino. That was what shot me... It was my first attempt at writing something like that and I was quite good at it... Then I started sending entries to other essay-writing contests, then a few more debate contests, extemporaneous speaking, collage making contests, until I get into play-directing, script-writing, journalism... Until a realization came to me, that was the direction my life should be taking. That I am more into writing and arts than into Sciences. I am a Left Brainer kind a gal, ;P. I am a jack of all trades and a master of nothing more than literature and psychology. Aside from those two subjects, I suck at everything else.
Big College Decision: Years before I went to a nursing college, feeling ko madali lang. Na kayang-kaya ko 'yun. Sabi ko pa, "sige basta matapos na lang ng Nursing, mapagbigyan sila Mommy". Tapos nun mag-eenroll ako sa isang writing course "Scriptwriting for TV, movie or stage" or "Creative Writing" or "Malikhaing Pasulat sa Filipino" or anything about film-making or TV production course available. First love ko kasi talaga magkuwento at ipakita sa tao yung mga episodes ng kung anu-ano'ng pantasya na naglalaro sa utak ko. While in college, I nailed almost all of my Liberal Arts subjects. I got straight 1.00 on Panitikan and Philippine Literature in English. 1.25-75 on Rizal, Asian Civ, Psychology etc. I was barely surviving my major subjects and even made it to pass all the ASHE subjects and had my "Cupping" as scheduled.
Nursing Sucks: Struggling to survive Nursing in Chinese Gen killed something in me. I feared that the more I become a nurse the least I am going to be a literary writer. The emotions I have to embace and succumb to when I am divulge in a fictional character and her tragedy were in no way going to parallel the objectivity and emotional separation I have to paractice as I was nursing someone. My patient's drama, if would be generous enough to take in with him/her, would overload me and will easily expose me to burn out. Aside from that, I sucked at almost every major subject that I am taking. So, if one would ask me: How am I surviving Nursing up to this day? My answer would be: Just one day at a time. [Sighs.]
No, Nursing doesn't Suck: Or at least, not all the time. Two days ago, I had a realization. I'd tell you about that on my next entry. Tinatamad na ko magsulat e... Promise. [Plus, I have to collect my thoughts on that one also.]
